[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Who or What Is/Was Omicron?

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

SNN correspondents from across the universe weigh in on what exactly Omicron is.

Omicron, Lauren Boebert.
Some think the new variant is actually QAnon code for Lauren Boebert. Photo by Gage Skidmore. CC BY-SA 2.0.

This past week the word-birthers at the World Health Organization dubbed the latest Covid strain as Omicron. The word has such a familiar ring to it that we reached out to SNN correspondents across the universe to get a taste of what exactly the word Omicron is… we got the following responses:

  • On the planet Zardoc, it’s a coupon for two free whores
  • It’s Engelbert Humperdinck’s middle name
  • It was the Ancient Egyptian God of Syphilis
  • It is a Botswanan word that literally translates to “Fauci”
  • It was a Christopher Columbus ship that had a leaky hull and couldn’t sail with the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria
  • It’s the last stroke in the male masturbation process
  • It was Elvis’ favorite guitar
  • It is a Schnotzelvakian brand of condoms. Translated into English it means “blame it on the boogie”
  • It’s Lauren Boebert
  • It was Chief Sitting Bull’s favorite war pony
  • Psychologically it’s a fear of peeing on oneself
  • It’s what Michigan did to Ohio State
  • It’s a masked wrestler on AEW Dynamite
  • It’s a watch that sells on TV for $19.99
  • It’s the police technical term for an 80-person snatch and grab robbery crew

SNN romance correspondent Pittche N. Woo states that if you are in Hong Kong, do not confuse Omicron with the term Omnicrom, which in Chinese is an order for home-delivered sex with a male rhino.

Ted Holland