[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
TUCSON – In his first statements to the press since he was charged with gunning down six innocent people and the attempted assassination of Rep. Gabriel Giffords, Jared Lee Loughner said his actions were not brought about by incendiary political statements but cautioned that public discourse should be handled in a more civilized manner.
“I was not in any way motivated by politically charged comments from the right or the now in famous Palin ‘Hit List,’” said the 22 year old murder suspect, “but when you put out a map with crosshairs over a member of congress’ district, that’s pretty messed up.”
Wearing an orange prison jump suit with hands and feet shackled, Loughner stated, “If grammar does not exist then government does not exist and if government does not exist then I am innocent,” adding, “but if grammar does exist then we should seriously stay away from inflammatory comments such as ‘reload’ and ‘second amendment remedies.’ Some one could obviously take that the wrong way.”
He went on to urge politicians on both sides of the isle to choose their words more carefully “in order not to divide an already fractured nation.”
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