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Argus Hamilton Comments on the News: Lindsay Lohan and More

Jul 032011
 
 By , July 3, 2011

GOP candidate Newt Gingrich announced he’ll enter the July Fourth Coney Island hot dog eating contest. This could be highly instructional for House Democrats. Newt Gingrich has shown that he doesn’t back away from wiener scandals, he either eats them or he marries them.

Stephen Colbert convinced the FEC to let him raise unlimited corporate funds for his mock presidential campaign. It could ruin his artistic objectivity with crowds. Once a comedian has ten thousand dollars in the bank, he’ll still make fun of Republicans, but he doesn’t mean it.

Charlie Sheen told Sports Illustrated that he used steroids when he played a pitcher in the movie Major League twenty years ago. It disappointed a lot of his fans. It could cost Charlie election to the Porn Client Hall of Fame if he’s found to have used performance-enhancing drugs.

Prince William and Kate began their one-week tour of North America Thursday, beginning up in Canada and ending in Southern California. When they get to Los Angeles they’re going to visit all the movie studios and Skid Row. That’s how much Kate wants to meet Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan was released from her ankle bracelet Wednesday and freed from house arrest after serving thirty-five days indoors for stealing a necklace. She must now do community service and she must also attend anti-shoplifting classes. The textbooks are chained to the desk.

President Obama demanded a dozen times at Wednesday’s press conference that rich people who own corporate jets pay higher taxes. It’s obvious he was taunting Rush Limbaugh. Obama not only ripped rich guys who own corporate jets, he said it twelve times for the hard of hearing.

President Obama told the country Wednesday that his two daughters Sasha and Malia are more diligent than Congress. He got their ages wrong while praising them. For one reason or another the accuracy of birth information is always a problem with this particular president.

President Obama told ABC News that his girls would have Secret Service protection as they start dating if he gets re-elected. He added that means they’d never get into a car driven by a boy drinking a beer. It’s always the same pitch, vote Democrat or the children are going to die.

President Obama urged the GOP Congress Wednesday to raise the debt ceiling another couple of trillion dollars to avoid disaster. He says we must keep spending money until we’re out of debt. This statement proves more than any piece of paper that he really was born in America.

The U.S. Senate agreed Thursday to work over the holiday weekend to reach a budget deal and avoid default. The lawmakers don’t want to go home and face their constituents at July 4th picnics. Too many of these parks have trees and most of the people with trucks have a rope.

Anthony Weiner’s wife Huma left him for a month of world travel Tuesday. Her mother is from Pakistan, her father is a Sikh Indian and she was raised in Saudi Arabia. Standing in line behind her at the airport security checkpoint is the closest thing there is on earth to eternal life.

JFK Airport had a security breach Wednesday when a Nigerian man boarded a flight from New York to L.A. without a valid boarding pass. Any terror mission is a lost cause anyway. Al-Qaeda had every intention of destroying Los Angeles but subprime mortgages beat them to it.

The U.S. Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals said Tuesday that Congress can force U.S. citizens to buy health insurance. Liberty was nice while it lasted. Between Congress’s power under the Commerce Clause and the Supreme Court’s power under the Due Process Clause, Americans are pretty much left with the power to decide when they go to the bathroom, unless they’re on an airplane.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.