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Fun with the News: Wall Street and More

Aug 222011
 By , August 22, 2011
Fun with the News: Wall Street and More

The Miami Hurricanes went under NCAA probe Tuesday after a football booster said he gave players cash, jewelry, hookers and a yacht with a wet bar. It’s caught the national attention. In Charlie Sheen’s new CBS sitcom he’s going to play a redshirt freshman at Miami.

The Gallup Poll out Thursday showed an all-time low of eleven percent of Americans are satisfied with the way things are going in America. The poll was a real eye-opener. Everybody’s shocked to realize that eleven percent of Americans are members of al-Qaeda.

Dave Letterman was threatened by al-Qaeda for joking about terrorists Friday. They called him a Jewish conspirator in the Zionist plot and threatened to cut his tongue out. David Letterman is not worried, but Jackie Mason just asked for Secret Service protection.

French movie star Gerard Depardieu stood and urinated in the aisle of an airliner en route to Dublin Tuesday while he was admittedly drunk. He wasn’t jailed. If being drunk and urinating in public was acrime in Ireland, the entire island would be a prison colony.

Wall Street jitters returned Thursday as the market fell on bad news on new housing starts. The administration isn’t providing good optics. Nothing inspires confidence in the economy like the sight of the President of the United States taking the bus to Sioux City.

Maxine Waters slammed President Obama Thursday for ignoring black people. He’s been meeting GOP leaders, touring Iowa and going to Martha’s Vineyard. It looked over-the-top when he selected Brigham Young as his preseason number-one pick in college football.

President Obama drew fire from all sides for going on vacation to Martha’s Vineyard while the economy is in a tailspin. He plans to spend ten days playing golf and riding his bike. It’s part of his campaign to blame everything on George W. Bush including his hobbies.

The Justice Department was reportedly investigating Standard and Poor’s Friday ten days after the credit rating agency downgraded the U.S credit rating. It’s no surprise. For a long time the people who are forced to go to AA resent the people who forced them there.

IBM unveiled an experimental computer chip Friday that mimics the human brain in the way it perceives, acts and thinks. It’s got neurons and synapses that see, classify, differentiate and remember. Already it can’t find work in the U.S. because it is overqualified.

USA Today reports the popularity of Extreme Couponing on TLC is sparking the theft of newspapers from stores and driveways. Recession-racked shoppers are stealing to have more coupons. It’s the first good news for the newspaper industry since Pearl Harbor.

The National Hospital Association reported that a Propofol shortage has resulted in price gouging for the anesthetic drug. It’s alarming. Whenever the stock market see-saws five hundred points a day for over a week, cocaine dealers switch to selling sleeping drugs.

Germany broke out in massive organized night vandalism on Thursday when leftist protesters torched luxury cars on the streets of Berlin. It’s not going to work. They can set BMWs on fire four times a week and people are still not going to buy those Chevy Volts.

Michele Bachmann screwed up again Tuesday, saluting Elvis Presley’s birthday when it was the anniversary of his death. This could ruin her. The U.S. has been a republic for over two hundred years but it’s still considered a sacrilege not to know the King’s birthday.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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