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Fun with the News: Wal-Mart & More

Nov 282011
 
 By , November 28, 2011
Fun with the News: Wal-Mart & More

Wal-Mart opened on Thanksgiving Day where Wall Street protesters tried to disrupt business. It didn’t go as planned. The protesters walked into the store to overthrow the capitalist system and they walked out with flat-screen TVs for just two hundred dollars.

President Obama pardoned two turkeys before White House reporters Tuesday. The turkeys were subjected for weeks to loud noises and light to get ready for the press. If Rick Perry’s staff had only thought of this, he would have done a lot better in the debates.

PETA campaigned against raising turkeys for consumption Thursday. They claimed the birds are overfed, overweight, prone to heart attacks and too bloated to mate. When Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be our national bird, he was ahead of his time as usual.

The Natalie Wood case heated up Monday from new eyewitness accounts about her drowning. L.A. police say Robert Wagner is not a suspect and L.A. prosecutors are mum. We won’t know what really happened until the National Enquirer finishes its investigation.

Penn State ex-vice president Vicky Triponey said Joe Paterno always fought to cover up news of players who got in trouble with the law over the years. He couldn’t cover up everything. The team would be undefeated every year if it weren’t for the Associated Press.

Al-Jazeera TV network announced Tuesday it’s set to launch its own entertainment and sports cable network for daily broadcast throughout the Middle East. Their sports are tedious in the Arab world. Every game of volleybomb ends in a score of one to nothing.

A TSA airport security agent was arrested in Virginia Monday for sexually assaulting a woman on the street at a shopping mall. He approached her and flashed his badge at her and started groping her. Don’t you hate it when a guy can’t leave his work at the office?

Mexico’s army found fifteen million in cash in a car parked on Revolution Avenue in Tijuana Monday. The car belongs to a cartel member. It makes you sad, knowing there was once a time when you didn’t have to lock your car when you went Christmas shopping.

Newt Gingrich suggested Tuesday that local panels could review the status of illegal immigrants. He wants legal, non-voting status for illegals who have been in the U.S. for decades, set down roots and have families here. In Newt Gingrich’s office his staff has two hundred file cabinets labeled Newt’s Ideas, except for one that’s labeled Newt’s Good Ideas.

Mitt Romney admitted in Iowa Monday he once tasted beer and tried a cigarette. He said it happened back when he was a wayward teenager. He didn’t understand the huge laugh it got until an aide told him he was addressing an Alcoholics Anonymous convention.

Arizona conservatives last week demanded to see a microfiche of President Obama’s birth certificate before they’ll put him on the ballot. They don’t buy the original copy he produced in July. The eye sees what the eye sees, and Van Gogh’s signature looks a little off.

Donald Trump told reporters Monday he may still run for president as a third-party candidate. He must first clear up a legal problem at his golf club in Southern California. Last month illegal immigrants were busted for using a gas-powered leaf blower on his hair.

NASA launched the Curiosity Rover on a nine-month flight to Mars Saturday. One of the mobile rover’s arms is a drill bit and sensor and the other arm is a jackhammer One arm is used to drill for minerals and the other arm is used to build casinos for the Martians.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.