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15 Signs That Your Spouse Is Thinking of Voting Republican

Dec 102011
 By , December 10, 2011
15 Signs That Your Spouse Is Thinking of Voting Republican

By Roz Warren and Janet Golden

Standing in the check out line, you see plenty of magazines offering stories like “What He Isn’t Telling You” and “How to Tell if Your Man Is Cheating.” But in today’s crazy world it isn’t enough to know whether your partner is stepping out with another woman, or if he secretly wants to go to the playoffs with the guys instead of to that wedding weekend for your sister-in-law’s first cousin. What you really need to know are:

The 15 signs that your husband is thinking of voting Republican:

1) “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” is the first item in his Netflix queue, and the next twenty items are all movies starring Mel Gibson or Charlton Heston.

2) The words “Book of Mormon” are jotted down on a notepad by his side of the bed — and he hates Broadway shows.

3) In the throes of passion, instead of calling out your name, he calls for tax cuts.

4) He wants to name the new puppy “Mitt.”

5) His wallet is stuffed with Godfather’s Pizza receipts.

6) He’s started singing John Ashcroft’s “Let the Eagle Soar” in the shower.

7) A post-it by the computer reads “Google, NOT Rick Santorum.”

8) He tells your teenaged son, “Ron Paul supports the legalization of marijuana — so let’s toke up!”

9) After Governor Christie pulls out of the race, he spends the afternoon crying at the donut shop. “Tears are the new macho,“ he explains between sobs. “John Boehner gets weepy too, so it’s okay.”

10) Michele Bachman and Sarah Palin are on the MILF list hidden in his sock drawer.

11) He asks if the task of changing the baby’s diapers can be sent off-shore.

12) When your daughter brings her friends home from elementary school, he demands to see documentation that they’re in this country legally.

13) There’s an ASK ME ABOUT GLENN BECK bumper sticker on his car.

14) He mutters, as he hogs all the covers, that sharing the blankets is part of a socialist agenda.

15) You find a Tri-corner hat hidden in the back of his closet AND the giant box of teabags you bought at the supermarket last week have gone missing.

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Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.

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  • Joanhelfman

    Who wouldn’t want to call their puppy “Mitt”?  It’s a great name.

    • librarylady

      Certainly better than “Newt”!

  • Isy

    Loved the part about the teabags.