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My Kind of Superpowers

Dec 212011
 By , December 21, 2011
My Kind of Superpowers

By Roz Warren

Never mind leaping tall buildings in a single bound, deflecting bullets with magic bracelets or having the super strength to clobber bad guys. Here are a few of the superpowers I’d REALLY love to have:

Being able to effortlessly give a pill to the cat without getting my arm torn off.

Always choosing the fastest moving line at the supermarket.

Knowing exactly the right words to get a sullen teen to open up and have a conversation, then smile and say “I love you, Mom.”

Being able to remove all the fats, sugar and calories from a large slice of pie without affecting any of the yummy taste.

Opening directly to the steamy pages of any bestseller.

Summoning the right devastating retort whenever somebody says something offensive or disrespectful. Instantly! Not two hours later.

Always finding a parking space right in front of my destination.

Refraining from blurting out “I got it at Target” every time anyone compliments my attire or décor.

Magically making a cop appear to give a fat speeding ticket to anybody who scares me half to death by rocketing past me at 90mph on the freeway.

Always getting the seat on a plane that has an empty seat next to it. And is nowhere near the howling baby. Or else —

Being able to magically calm and quiet any howling baby.

Choosing exactly the right scarf to go with that outfit.

Recognizing “Mr. Right” the moment I meet him instead of looking back, years later, and realizing that he was “The One.”

Being able to transfer any huge ugly bug or small fast-moving rodent I find in my house back to its natural habitat without actually touching it.

Giving fast-onset laryngitis to anybody loudly blathering on a cell phone in public.

I’d also like the power to sincerely forgive anyone who has annoyed me enough to make me want to clobber them. But that might be asking for too much…

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Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.

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  • Anonymous

    Love it, Roz! I want all these powers, too:)