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Fun with the News: JFK Affair & More

Feb 102012
 
 By , February 10, 2012
Fun with the News: JFK Affair & More

Jack Kennedy’s former intern Mimi Alford was interviewed on NBC News about their affair Monday. He took her virginity in the White House. Today it would be called workplace harassment but back then it was called physical therapy for the president’s back.

India News reports three Indian lawmakers resigned Sunday after they were caught watching porn on their iPhones during a debate. They’re a relatively new democracy. It’s understandable that some amateurs can’t screw the taxpayers without a little coaching.

President Obama was swamped by Catholic protests Thursday over his ObamaCare coverage rules. They require every policy in America to pay for birth control without a deductible. From now on, there’s no such thing as a free lunch unless it’s a nooner.

The University of Pennsylvania admitted selling morning-after birth control pills in a Student Union vending machine. There are condom machines in the men’s room. So the morning-after pill machine is only fair for women who meet a guy without exact change.

California’s ban on same-sex marriage was ruled unconstitutional by the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. Gay marriage was illegal, then legal, then it was illegal, and now it’s legal once again. If the Ninth Circuit ran the PGA, every putt under twelve feet would be a gimme.

San Diego’s Sea World was sued by PETA which claims its whales are slaves. That’s so true. You can tell Southern California was part of the Confederacy the way the crowd goes wild when a killer whale leaps out of the tank to pick cotton while chirping Old Man Ocean.

President Obama flip-flopped Sunday and agreed to allow his backers to form a Super PAC. As president, he could offer exemptions from regulations to companies that donate. It prompted the Building and Safety Department in Chicago to give him their Distinguished Alumni Award.

New York’s hotel owners equipped all hotel maids with panic buttons that summon security Wednesday. It had to be done. The panic buttons are not intended to prevent sexual assault, the hotels are just tired of finding out too late that the towels are missing.

North Dakota University’s president restored the school’s Fighting Sioux mascot this week. They don’t believe it’s demeaning at all. North Dakota is enjoying a huge oil boom and full employment and that always entitles you to an Indian dance at halftime in this country.

Italian prosecutors were reported set to file manslaughter charges against the Costa Concordia’s captain. They’ll never get him for manslaughter. The captain said he has three cocktail waitress and a maitre d’ ready to testify he was nowhere near those passengers.

The Secret Service seized a man near Mitt Romney Monday who was about to throw glitter all over the candidate. Security has been on high alert for glitter bombers. No one is going to trust and no one’s going to fear a Commander-in-Chief who sparkles on camera.

Rick Santorum swept three GOP presidential caucuses held Tuesday. He thanked his wife six times onstage as he does during every primary night victory speech. Comedians are beginning to sense that if he wins and gets caught there’s a U.S. Senate seat in her future.

Rush Limbaugh promoted Rick Santorum’s GOP candidacy Wednesday on his radio show. He’s a far-right Christian conservative. If Rick Santorum becomes the GOP nominee, Barack Obama will not only be in the history books as our first black president, he will also knock Lou Gehrig out of the record books as the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.