[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
All super-heroes long to be one of the elite Avengers — but who makes the grade?
Marvel Comics today announced which of the new rash of superheroes wishing to join the elite fighting force called the Avengers were rejected. Sadly, there are always a number of aspiring young do-gooders who do not make the grade, simply because their super power isn’t super enough.
Being a dynamic team whose success depends on cutting edge super agility, toughness and mental as well as physical prowess, there are unfortunately always more who don’t cut it than do.
The following is the list of candidates who, despite their best efforts and intentions, did not make the grade. Our hats go off to them nonetheless, as they offered their services and their lives in defense of their fellow man, and such a sacrifice should not be snickered at.
Unless of course you are Twitter Man, who can fire off a thousand tweets a minute before he has even had his coffee in the morning. I’m sorry, some super powers are just too ridiculous to even take seriously.
Auditions were done in the American Idol format with each wanna-be Avenger demonstrating his or her particular skill. In fact, Simon Cowell was called in to lead the auditions, but those competing did not abide his abrasive manner for long and soon pummeled him to a bloody lump.
Those who did not make the cut:
Spaghetti Man – Has the powers to elongate his limbs but they are as limp as, well, spaghetti.
Rap Man – Able to remember the lyrics to 10,000 so-called ‘songs’ and repeat them flawlessly. Was unanimously voted off the squad after they shared a hotel room with him for a night during which time he tried to entertain them by ‘singin’ a few hundred of the ditties.
Super Horny Woman – Had the amazing talent to make love to five men simultaneously and to keep it up for 12 hours non stop. She was very popular with most of the crew, but had no real crime fighting power other then to give the bad guys syphilis. She also had the tendency to distract the male Avengers from their work.
Marshmallow Man – Had the ability to make himself small and inconspicuous as a marshmallow at a moments notice. Did not work out because he kept on getting stepped on and squished in his disguise.
Political Man – A genius at knowing what the public wants him to say and at knowing when to smile and when to make angry patriotic statements that would better his standing with the masses. Rejected because of his not wanting to get his suit dirty and from taking bribes from the bad guys.
Comic Junky Man – Had the unique ability to know exactly what to do in almost any situation with a bad guy but does not have the talent or strength to carry out that knowledge. He was later hired by administration because of his intellectual expertise to be their Super Bookkeeper Man and is the official Avengers biographer.
Kardashian Woman – Had the super body and super looks required of modern super hero women, but spends too much time preening herself in a compact mirror when she should be smacking the bad guys. Also complains constantly about breaking her nails.
Studly Man – Always boasted about how he could take any woman, any time anywhere. The problem is most superhero women do not want ‘to be taken’ and after he tried they left him a contorted lump on the sidewalk.
Romney Man – Former pretender to the throne of the American Presidency who has secret powers care of mysterious Super Pacs whose identities are being kept secret. Supposedly pushed out of the running because of shrewd tactics on the part of Obama Man, allegedly a Kenyan super hero.
Yoga Man – Able to contort himself into impossible physical positions. Rejected because he was too passive and too focused on his inner well being to stop the bad guys. Also believes that ‘it is all good” with regards to the evildoers.
Lastly, due to the acquisition of Marvel Comics movies by the Disney Corporation, the Avengers have been forced to admit a new member against their better judgment. Let’s just say his name is Mickey Man and leave the rest to your imagination.
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