[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

GOP Candidates Clamor for Face Transplants After Historic Surgery

All but one hope for a “Reagan face” – Huckabee prefers “Jesus face, but with short hair”

Synthetic face: GOP “can’t lose” with Reagan look.

A Humor Times Special Report

With Republican presidential candidates jockeying for position in an uphill battle against a formidable Obama, they are looking for every advantage. And now, with the nation’s first face transplant a success, many of them think they have found the solution.

“Look, we are under no illusion that Obama will be hard to beat in 2012, especially after his recent exploits in Pakistan,” said presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich. “But we Republicans do not give up easily, nor are we very good at facing the truth. We simply change the game.”

Tim Pawlenty, the onetime governor of Minnesota, says he would make the best Reagan, and the others should “find their own new looks.” “Let’s ‘face’ the facts,” he explained, using air quotes, “if Reagan were here today, I’m quite confident he would anoint me as the one to follow in his great footsteps, and in his great face.”

The new development threatens to sow even more disharmony amongst GOP contenders, a group that is already known for snide remarks behind each other’s backs.

“Tim’s a nice guy, maybe too nice for his own good,” said Donald Trump. “He should be happy with his own face, he’s a nice looking guy. Me, I’m rich, and let’s face it, not that blessed in the handsomeness department. And I’m the most like Reagan, as far as being a hero to average Americans, who love to tune into my great show, Celebrity Apprentice, Sundays on NBC.”

“All these guys wanting to be Reagan, it just shows their unoriginality, and that they are willing to set their sites too low,” said Mike Huckabee. “Me, I’m going for the gusto, I’m ordering a Jesus face. Without all the hair, of course. Americans are ready for a real leader, a man like Jesus, and who better than me, who’s holier than all those guys put together?”

Critics, even among Republicans, say the candidates are too quick to embrace such radical change, and that it opens them up to charges of being “two-faced.”

“That’s hooey,” said former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. “It’s not radical to reach back to a time when Americans felt secure and trusted their leader. Of course, I don’t need the operation myself, I’m already too sexy for my own good.”

In a related development, conspiracy theorists say Osama bin Laden not only survived getting shot in the face, but he’s already received a Barack Obama face transplant. Being tall and dark like Obama, they theorize, he will have no problem taking the president’s place, in an operation they say Al Qaeda had been planning all along.

“You see, we were right in demanding that Obama be impeached for not being American, we were just ahead of the curve,” said Minnesota Representative and presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann.

James Israel
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