[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Palin Launches New, Free, Online American History College

Offers alternative ‘Real America for Real Americans’ history to the ‘often wrong’ Fahn Academy

Palin: “Let’s not forget, we’re always right!”

Sarah Palin has finished her bus tour of America, and is now offering a virtual history tour of the nation online. “Many Americans have received faulty information by misguided history teachers. We’re here to right the record,” she declared, “far right.”

The ex-half-term Alaskan governor has teamed up with right-wing professors from schools like Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, praising their “creativity and devotion to a philosophy which celebrates Godly truths, trumping the errant doctrine parroted by heathen teachers down through the decades,” as the new school’s online description states.

New enrollees will learn “the inconvenient truths that have been hidden from an unsuspecting public, lo these many years,” said Palin.

In a course on early American history, students will learn that not only did Paul Revere mean to frighten the British by ringing bells and firing muskets as he rode hands-free through the country-side, but that God handed down the Constitution on stone tablets on July 4, 1776.

“Unbelievers like to tell a different version, about fallible humans drawing up a hand-written constitution, but we know such perfection can only come from above,” said Falwell in an introduction to the school on the new website.

Students will also learn that the real cause of the country’s Great Depression was a lack of antidepressants like Prozac. “We’re a stronger nation for our brave pharmaceutical companies, who have stood up for America,” Palin said.

Lincoln’s Gettysburg address is dissected in another course on the Civil War. Correcting misconceptions about “the most misunderstood speech in history,” students will learn that the phrase “four score and seven years ago” actually referred to a grand slam Lincoln hit in baseball game seven years previously.

“He was very proud of it, and hoped to inspire the soldiers with his tale,” said historian Fredly Samuels of Liberty University.

Further historical record-straightening includes courses on how freed slaves dug deep tunnels to lay tracks for the Underground Railroad, and on the 1960’s “arms race,” which was really about JFK dueling Khrushchev in a handstand race, later followed by an arm wrestling competition. “Few knew this,” said Palin.

James Israel
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