[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Rich to Receive Care Package After Debt Scare Stress

Tea Party Republicans hope to restore flagging confidence of the very rich

A Humor Times exclusive

Republicans passed a stress-relief package for the rich out of Congress today, and President Obama pledged to sign it, saying, “The poor rich have suffered enough.”

Graph shows slight dip in profits of the very rich.

The Tea Party-authored bill, rushed through in just two days, aims to help those making over $1 million a day, as they had “the most to lose, and are, after all, the job creators,” said the president. “We’ve got to keep them happy, and as you know, I’ve been doing my best to exactly that since I got into office.”

“The recent debt ceiling debate, with all the hysteria over what might happen, was just too much to bear for sheltered billionaires, who are not used to so much stress,” explained Rep. Scott Garrett (R-NJ). “This bill will help remedy the terrible wrongs foisted upon these fine Americans, who feared losing as much as 10% of their profits for the week.”

Titled the “Save Our Fave Philanthropists Bill,” the main goal is to get back to normalcy as quickly as possible for the finicky rich, who are known to get depressed over even a small setback in profit gains.

To accomplish this, the bill measures any losses that may have been caused by the recent downgrading of the U.S. debt by Standard & Poor’s, and gives the affected parties 110% of that amount, to be paid for by cuts in “waste,” such as funds used to pay greedy teachers, who “everyone knows by now make way too much,” said Garrett.

“We not only avert a potential disaster for thousands of threatened portfolios, but we cut out waste in the system. It’s a win-win,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). “And anyone who knows me, knows I’m not afraid to cut close to the bone. Like I said before, I look to emulate my home town hero, John Wayne Gacy — he knew how to cut out waste!”

[poll id=”4″]

James Israel
Social media