[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Romney Lets Slip That ‘Science Has Helped America,’ Is Instantly Ostracized

Rest of GOP presidential hopefuls immediately denounce him

Presidential GOP primary candidate Mitt Romney responded to a question today at a campaign event, saying, “We can’t completely ignore the benefits of science. As we’ve seen for generations, science has helped America become the leader of the free world. It’s just that we shouldn’t blindly trust in some ‘magical’ powers of some unseen entity.”

After some nervous laughter, Romney fidgeted a bit, then added, “Other than God, of course.”

Romney talking to supporters and signing autographs. Photo by Marc Nozell, flickr.com.

Romney was responding to a question from an attendee, a 42 year old high school English teacher and Republican voter, John Stevens, who asked, “Mr. Romney, do you think science is completely useless? I mean we’ve got to teach math and English, but is it worth it to devote precious resources to science in school? It just seems to me it only props up conceited guys like that Mr. Tinkerton down the hall.”

Almost every other candidate, when told of Romney’s remarks, immediately condemned them.

“This really shows the power of seduction that this unholy black art has over weaker minds,” said Michele Bachmann. “I don’t mean to judge Mr. Romney, but he is only a Mormon, after all.”

“In fact, this is exactly why we need a strong candidate for president,” added Backmann. “One who can resist the persistent taunts from the left that we are somehow ‘unreasonable.’ We’re reasonable, alright, about God, not the dark arts.”

Rick Perry, Governor of Texas and latest candidate to enter the race, also commented.

“It’s unfortunate that Mr. Romney feels he has to kowtow to some imagined ‘center’ on this,” he said. “We all know things like toasters and the internets are good and convenient, and heck yeah, we’re glad they were discovered. But we of faith believe God wanted us to have them, and that we were destined to discover them, to fulfill His will.”

“As with anything,” Perry continued, “we need to pray about it, and God told me to just keep on the straight and narrow, and that means no believing humans can make magic.”

Jon Huntsman Jr. was the only candidate to come to Romney’s defense, but his poll numbers among Republican voters immediately took another dive because of it.

“I’m only saying, c’mon, we’ve got all this technology, miracle cures, atomic energy, military technology, chemical formulas we use — all this came from applying good hard science — it didn’t pop out of thin air!” he said, somewhat defensively.

“Oh yeah?” shot back Bachmann, when told of Huntsman’s remarks, “well that’s exactly where he’s wrong. And I can prove it, just give me a sec. There’s a great little app I saw about this, I gotta Google it on my new iPhone. Isn’t this thing cool?”

James Israel
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