[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Nation Braces for End of Junk Mail

Counseling service set up for millions as Post Office announces pending shut down

Lack of junk mail could send some into "post-post shock."

While it has always been fashionable to complain about junk mail, many millions enjoy it, say psychologists. And as a result of recent news of U.S. Post Office financial troubles, those unsolicited ad lovers are reportedly already suffering withdrawal symptoms.

“Where will I get my junk mail every day if the post office goes away?” asks Cecilia Deaner, 73, of Topeka, Kansas, her voice choked with tears. “I can’t imagine why they would leave us in the lurch like this. That nice mailman has always been there, filling my mail box, making it feel like Christmas every morning!”

Stories like this are cropping up all over the nation, mostly affecting seniors. “A lot of older folks are not interested in joining the internet revolution, and many are trying to get by on very tight budgets,” says Johnathan Sanders, a psychologist who specializes in helping seniors. “They don’t like the new shows on TV, ever since Andy Griffith went off the air. And they get a lot of their entertainment going through junk mail ads.”

But it’s not only seniors, says Wilbur Stevens of Print & Mail, one of the many companies businesses use to print and send their advertising mailers. “A lot of people enjoy our absolutely amazing, colorful and informative genuine product information mailers!” he said. “For generations, millions have relied on our practical, reliable packets, crammed with fun and easily accessible specials for your home!”

“Besides, let’s face it,” he added, “without us, the post office would have been out of business years ago.”

Others will miss junk mail for entirely different reasons: those who use it for birdcage liners, fish wrap, packaging materials and fire starter.

In fact, the Forest Service is worried that without all the free fire starter, rural areas will suffer from increased harvesting of kindling from the forest floor. “In ways we’ve never considered, junk mail is actually good for America,” said Eldorado National Forest Supervisor Clint Wilson. “Indeed, in the final analysis, all that trash may essential for the nation’s environmental health.”

Proposed uniform for new counselors.

Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT), known for his compassion, has introduced Senate Bill 4076, “The Junk Mail Scarcity Counseling Act of 2011,” to help those who need it during the transition to a time of empty mail boxes.

“These are the most vulnerable in our society,” said Sanders in a press conference announcing the bill. “We must not judge them for their appalling lack of taste, nor their susceptibility to crass advertising techniques. They need our help, and we should be there for them.”

“My bill provides for people, dressed in blue uniforms, to walk the streets, delivering packets of colorful brochures and newsprint, bringing relief to households all over America,” he said. “We’re recruiting right now. Must be able to handle the occasional unfriendly dog.”

James Israel
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