[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Boehner to Create Jobs for Staffers by Holding Hearings on Jobs Bill

‘Americans want us to act, so we are,’ said the Speaker, auditioning for part in Senate play

Speaker John Boehner said today that his office is planning to form an advisory panel to investigate the possibility of creating an initiative to think about making plans to perhaps hold hearings on the president’s jobs bill. “It’s all part of our move to speed up the process,” he said.

Boehner promises swift action on looking into stuff.

“We will look at the president’s proposal, but at the end of the day, we’ve got to stay the course, and exercise sound judgement, regarding any recommendations, looking to move the process forward, so that we might address the problem, and meet these challenges head on, down the road, keeping all options on the table, of course,” Boehner added.

The Speaker noted that as a former small business man, he has different ideas on helping the economy than “our friends across the isle.”

“It’s been so long, I can’t remember what small business I used to run, but I’m sure I was all for huge tax breaks for big business, so that they might trickle down on mine.”

Boehner said Congress should create an environment where employers will feel comfortable. “So we should give them tax breaks for leather chairs, plush carpets, stocked bars, and if necessary, dancing girls, to help them relax,” he said.

“After all, they are the job creators. At least, that’s what they tell me when they’re wining and dining me and offering big campaign donations.”

“As for getting Americans working again,” he said, “we’ll be considering legislation, and we see light at the end of the tunnel, so we must keep the faith. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got another meeting with my bosses — er, that is, constituents — the Koch brothers.”

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