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‘Righters’: New Group Claims to Be Righter Than the Left

Culmination of ‘Birther’ type groups said to incorporate all of them
‘Righters’: New Group Claims to Be Righter Than the Left Edit ‘Righters’: New Group Claims to Be Righter Than the Left

A Humor Times exclusive

The latest right-wing activist group to emerge thinks they have what it takes to be the last. As one of the founders of the new “Righters,” John Snickers of Brownsville, Texas says, “We encompass all of the points these various groups of heroes espouse: the Birthers, who question Obama’s nationality, the Deathers, who question his health plan, the Tenthers, who say the 10th Amendment means the federal government can’t tell them what to do. We do all that and we are totally right on all the issues. So obviously, anyone who opposes us is wrong.”

The Righters are leaving nothing to chance, and are taking the correct position on every important national issue. To assure that this goal is attained and maintained, Righters say they limit their sources of information. Once they take a position, they don’t want to risk getting any information that might imperil that position, or else they might have to change it, which would mean they weren’t right at one time. “That’s impossible,” said Mr. Snickers, “since we’re always right. We’re the Righters.”

“For example, you’ve got the Deathers outing Obama on his plan to kill their grandmas to save on health care costs. Well, we go one better – we’re fighting for the right to keep our economy-stimulating high health care insurance rates, so that freedom-loving corporations like WellPoint can continue to make huge profits while saving our grandmas. If we can do this without treating a single illegal alien, we’ve attacked all these problems at once, and it all comes full circle for America’s economy. It’s so simple.”

“We expect quick and explosive growth within our organization, and we are preparing for it. Obviously, people want to be right, and not wrong. ‘If you can’t fight ’em, you gotta join ’em,’ as they say.”

The group is working on promotion strategies, including bumper stickers that read “Righters Do It Righter,” “If I’m Right, What Does That Make You?” and “Right Makes Might.”

James Israel
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