By Kate Stone and Roz Warren
Republican Presidential candidates — the economy isn’t going to recover all by itself. If you want our votes, you‘ll need a real “Jobs Plan” of your own. But don’t worry, there’s a conservative stimulus program out there just begging to be developed. I’m talking, of course, about Enhanced Interrogation Techniques — the American industry of the new millennium!
Why let other countries corner the market on torture? So what if they have despicable dictators and scary regimes? We’ve got not only the technology and the work ethic, but the Biblical passages to absolve us of all guilt. And it’s patriotic, because it‘s all about national security.
We Americans may not want to pick grapes in the hot sun, but we’ve proved that, if the circumstances are right, we’ll gladly turn up the current or swing some shackles to make the world a better place. So why not to make a buck? With so much upheaval in the world, let’s offer foreign governments and multinational corporations the opportunity to give us their poor, their tired, and their huddled masses who need our expert prompting to divulge sensitive information.
How can the rest of the world learn what we can do for them? (Or do to their citizens on their behalf?) We’ll attract their business by conducting information-gathering sessions at special theme parks. Taser Town! Grab The Gonads Minigolf! Ye Olde Wild West Waterboarding Park! (For a historical touch, we can deliver the detainees in the hold of old wooden slave ships.)
And the good news is — terror threats are everywhere! We can’t let squeamishness, that silly old Geneva Convention or some vestigial attachment to the Bill of Rights prevent us from getting to the bottom of the many terrorist conspiracies right here at home. Think about how much safer America would be if Enhanced Interrogation was available for domestic use. One of those “Occupy” encampment tents probably contains weapons of mass destruction! And when Grandma said she didn’t eat that last piece of pie, was she telling the truth? There’s one way to find out for sure! I for one, won’t feel that the Homeland is entirely safe until Enhanced Interrogation Techniques are universally available for routine traffic stops.
But don’t take my word for it, Republicans. Try EIT and see for yourselves. Use them on Newt Gingrich to make absolutely sure he hasn’t got a fourth wife lined up. Find out how Mitt Romney really feels about universal health care and abortion rights. Of course, it’s possible I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. If the GOP re-takes the White House in 2012 and immediately comes out in support of EIT, I won’t be shocked. (Or perhaps I will…)
- You’re Never Fully Dressed for That Excruciating Tax Audit Without a Smile - February 1, 2019
- Welcome to Your Local Public Library — Please Take Your Dildos With You When You Leave! - January 27, 2019
- My Resolutions for You in 2019 - January 4, 2019