The Lifetime Movie Appeal

The Lifetime Movie Appeal

This falls under the “what the Hell” category. Why would anyone watch these horrible things? Bad actors, bad characters in bad movies, always screwing their brains out, no matter their age. What is the appeal? Is this how people want their lives to be? Are you corny, horny, dense, and beaten and/or cheated upon? Will you kill your adversary for this mediocre-to-dull man? He surely is not loyal to you, as I just saw him boffing Susan. However, in this enlightened world of lifetimes you happen to be the bread winner and it doesn’t matter if your kids told you he said he would kill them. And why was he talking to Angel over at the tattoo parlor? First, he has a wife and now this? How dare that fucker fuck elsewhere! He swore he wasn’t sleeping with that wife who’s been dying for eight years. But this Angel is no angel. She must die, with her big, giant boobs that glisten in a V clear down to her waist! What witchery is this?? Yes, she must die most certainly.

It is just like the last time, in Phoenix, when you had to take care of that damn Penelope for enticing your love Charles, who tragically had to die when he walked in and saw you killing Penelope. You should have tied her down to the railroad tracks in a dastardly deed and let her cry out ‘Heeeelp!’ for a while. Poor Charles, he always did have the worst timing. Snap out of your grinning vision of delight in remembering those murders fondly and pay attention! I am speaking! Now, back to this fucker, who fucked elsewhere and perhaps elsewhere he fucks still. He must die for his fuckery. Plan A: kill that fucker now. Plan B: kill that V titty thing and tail the mad fucker to his next fuckery location.

Oh, fuckety fuck. He’s at your sister’s house, that cun#! She is in on it and he’s in her. The list doth grow and pain you more deeply. Good thing that V titty thing is gone, this is getting complicated! Wow! He actually stopped by work for a change. Of course, he’s in his office with Nancy! He’s fucking Nancy?? Why? Everybody hates her! Oh, tonight he will pay and pay big. Crap!! Of all times, now your hateful offspring who fucks too much like her father and thus likes him best, just texted and said her boyfriend beat her and tried to rape her. Oh, how much must you be waylaid by their fuckery? She said she’s at the hospital, so she’ll be fine. I’m sure she’ll whine that you’re never there for her, though you were too much and actually drove her to her fuckery. Did we take our meds?? Fuck. Oh well, fucking Nancy is dead and so is your sister. Who’s winning now, bitches?

Arriving home, you await that fucker and confront him about all of his fuckery. He denies it, of course, even after you tell him about poor Charles and Penelope, who laid not upon the tracks. Even when you beat that fucker, burn him, and molest him in an attempted seduction scene, he will not come clean. You reveal, to his horror, that he shall not be tongue tracing the V boobed Angie any longer. Even more horrifying to him, you clue him in on how you conked your sister from behind, in an act of compassion – for yourself – to not have to see her face or hear her assured lies of not having fucked this fucker. Oh yeah, time to kill this fucker! Why is HE crying? You’re the injured party here, but he will hurt. You stab him just a little between those rib bones and beautiful abs, which were part of the fuckery all along. Those horrid, deceitful abs! Damn, they do appeal. Breaking you out of your ogling, he still denies and actually has the nerve to say he went to your sister’s house to hide your anniversary gift because you’re so damned nosey and trifling! Trifle him in the other side a bit. Matching, perfectly centered cuts. Perfect as he is. Like a beautiful tattoo, displaying for all to see, the pain of love. Snap out of it, he’s talking! What’s this? He said he will speak the very honest truth and by the end he will have given you the greatest challenge to love in knowing, accepting, and helping him overcome an evil force that has beset him, of not his fault. Skeptical, but like, “Oh, my Goddd!, like, Maybe??” Part of you knew all along that it wasn’t truly who he was. Only you will see the real him. Oh, how silly you were! Of course! After his full, tearful, disclosing of his pain to you and only you upon this Earth, ever, and how you made it worse by trying to imprison his penis, that he is, in fact, a sex addict. He only loves you, though. The others are just convenient holes in which to hide his pushy appendage for a brief respite. You must forgive him. You see now how you failed him, over and over. Was poor Charles afflicted with the same damn scourge? Oh, we forgive you, too, poor Charles of the ill-fated ones including the aforementioned Penelope no tracks, V tits, and head-conked sister. Oh, who cares?? You must make him forgive you.

He was quiet on the way to the hospital to see about his lungs and that was rude. You can grill him about that later. Just throw him out at the Emergency Room door, pull around to another exit and park. You can go see that fucking daughter while waiting for the call that the other fucker has been admitted to the hospital. Conveniently, you were here visiting your whoring, sleeping daughter the whole time! Once you get that call you can escape before she wakes and whines of her woes. You only told that stupid Dan to rough her up, anyway. What’s this? They assuredly recognized your place in society as they have come to tell you the news of that fucker in person! No…did he die? What have we done? Wait, why are the handcuffs going on you? You most definitely drugged that fucker enough that he wasn’t talking. What? Your sister lived? That bitch! Now you’re back to the looney bin for more tweaking while that poor, diseased, doomed to overfuck fucker is left behind to fend for himself, in his fragile state.

No!! Your sister is alive and will fuck him feckless! You better make eyes at that dimwitted keeper over there and get out of here. For now, the door slams shut as you perch cross-legged upon your clinical cot seething with hate and visions of vengeance you shall have on her! She always was a fucker.

I’m sorry, what were we talking about? OH YEAH, I remember…those wonderful, gross, gluttonous, Lifetime Movies! Wonder what’s on now??

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Signed: Mary Fucher