Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the co-star of Sesame Street, Big Bird.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the co-star of Sesame Street, Big Bird.
BIG BIRD
I want to give a shout out to my neighbor Oscar the Grouch. He just got a new cell phone.
JERRY
Who the hell cares?
BIG BIRD
You said a naughty word, Mr. Duncan. There are little boys and girls listening. I’m teaching them about a cell phone.
JERRY
Oscar the Grouch? He eats cell phones. Besides, I heard that garbage mouth is getting kicked off Sesame Street.
BIG BIRD
Yeah. Oscar was “trash talking” the other cast members behind their backs.
JERRY
What did he say?
BIG BIRD
Cover your ears boys and girls.
JERRY
Shut up. Those little monsters know more four-letter words than you do.
BIG BIRD
Oh, alright. He said to Kermit the Frog, “I hope you croak.” Told Miss Piggy, “You aren’t kosher.” Then yelled at Elmo, “You’re so hairy, you look like an Orangutan’s rear end.”
JERRY
Big deal. Remember in 2012 when Mitt Romney said he would cut the budget for PBS so there wouldn’t be a Sesame Street?
BIG BIRD
You have a good memory, Mr. Duncan. Romney blurted out, “I stand by what I said. Whatever I said. I deny saying that, whatever it is I said.” No wonder he feels comfortable in flip-flops.
JERRY
Is it true you and Oscar the Grouch are homeless? I read that you live in a large nest behind 123 Sesame Street. Next to Oscar’s smelly trash can.
BIG BIRD
That’s correct, Mr. Duncan. The only good thing about being homeless is that 98% of deadly accidents happen inside the home.
JERRY
And you have the advantage of dating homeless women.
BIG BIRD
Why?
JERRY
You can drop them off anywhere.
BIG BIRD
Being homeless, I have empathy. The other day I saw a homeless man walking down the street wearing one shoe. I said, “Are you alright? Looks like you lost a shoe.” He replied, “No. I just found one.”
JERRY
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has plans for you and Oscar to live in Tent City. You’ll have your own bed and a My Pillow.
BIG BIRD
What a coincidence. Kermit the Frog told me that Rudy Giuliani tried to suffocate Trumpster Mike Lindell with a My Pillow at Mar-a-Lago after they had a fight. Rudy’s Mafia instincts kicked in.
JERRY
Do you know the difference between Trump and the Mafia?
BIG BIRD
No.
JERRY
The Mafia supports unions. Hold on Big Bird. I have Rudy Giuliani on the other line.
RUDY GIULIANI
Jerry. I need to talk to the Bird!
JERRY
Standby, Rudster.
JERRY
Okay fellas. You’re both on the line.
RUDY
Hey, Big Turd. When Donald Trump is reinstated as President in August, we’re going to pull the plug on Sesame Street. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
BIG BIRD
I’m 8 foot, 2 inches and will sit on your head until it explodes. You’re messing with the wrong guy, Looney Giuliani.
RUDY
(imitates Daffy Duck)
You’re deth-picable.
BIG BIRD
We’ll never forget that your friend Donald Trump colluded with the Russians, committed fraud and laundered money.
RUDY
Do you have proof?
BIG BIRD
The FBI found traces of fabric softener where Trump was laundering money.
RUDY
You got no argument from me. I’m innocent. Trump made me threaten the Ukrainians, lie about Hunter Biden and date Stormy Daniels.
JERRY
Have fun in Sing, Sing, Rudster. Watch your rear.
BIG BIRD
(sings)
Can you tell me how to get, How to get to Sesame Street?
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
Read A Bit of Biden every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on Instagram.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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