The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews The Presidents

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the four living presidents, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guests today are four of our living presidents Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama.

presidents
The four living presidents (other than Trump).

PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER

I brought you some peanuts from my farm.

JERRY

Thank you, President Malaise.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH

Jimmy. I saw two peanuts walking down a dark street last night. One was a salted.

PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON

Speaking of nuts. We have a serious crisis in our country with that lame president in office.

CARTER

Are you talking about Trump?

JERRY

(sarcastic) No. George Washington.

BUSH

That’s what I thought.

JERRY

The United States is no longer respected around the world. Our allies hate us and our enemies love us. We are essentially a banana republic.

CARTER

Banana Republic? That’s where I buy my chinos.

BUSH

I love them crunchy orange puffs.

JERRY

They’re pants, not Cheetos. You idiot!

BUSH

Oh.

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

All the Trump B.S. I don’t know how he sleeps at night.

JERRY

I do. First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

OBAMA

Let’s agree on a presidential candidate all of us can support in 2020 who can beat Trump.

CARTER

How about my wife Rosalynn?

JERRY

C’mon. She’s so old, Eve bitch slapped her for making out with Adam.

CLINTON

How about Hillary? She’s the real thing.

BUSH

Is depression covered by Obamacare?

OBAMA

Let’s face it, fellas. Michelle Obama is the best qualified to beat Trump. She writes books, he doesn’t read. She likes to be mentally fit, he’s just mental. She likes to exercise.

BUSH

Trump’s in shape.

OBAMA

Unfortunately, it’s the wrong one.

CARTER

All in favor of Michelle, say aye.

IN UNISON

Aye!

CLINTON

Bring her on. But I get to screen the interns.

The studio door opens, then slams shut. Trump enters.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP

Duncan, I’m here to defend my record. I’m the most honest person you’ll ever know.

JERRY

What a knee slapper! Ba ha ha.

CARTER

Let us pray. Lord, grant me the strength to accept things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And forgiveness when I finally snap.

CLINTON

How about a prayer for me? I have lust in my heart.

TRUMP

I always wondered. What is colder, my hand or a gun?

OBAMA

We’re running Michelle Obama against you in the election.

TRUMP

Michelle’s a loser. I trashed her garden at the White House. All she knows about are vegetables.

JERRY

Like you, Pumpkin head.

TRUMP

(chants) Send her back. Send her back. Send her back.

JERRY

We are sending her back. To the White House in 2020. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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