Another Day, Another False Alarm

The New York Times (Feb. 9) reports that China and Russia have formed an “alliance of
autocracies,” which the Washington Post refers to as a “bid to make the world safe for
dictatorship.” This will undoubtedly provoke immediate retaliation by the leaders of
the free enterprise world, led by Amazon, Wal-Mart, Apple, CVS, Berkshire Hathaway, Exxon Mobil, and the Pentagon, to protect all our interest rates at home and abroad.
As the CEO of the Walt Disney Company warned during an emergency session of the
United Multi-Nationals in Orlando, FL, “when you worship big red stars, we will launch
huge bidding wars.” Uniformed courtesans fear that this could lead to a “show time”
between East and West , reminiscent of the Cuban Missile Crisis, yet featuring more
commercials than in 1962. At that time, the World Series had just concluded: to no
one’s surprise, the New York Yankees won, though it took them seven games (plus
three acid rain delays) to defeat the San Francisco Giants in the first transcontinental
feud between Real Americans and Rebellious Nationals. This time around, the Super Bowl pits the Entertainment Elite vs. the Rust Belt, with Roman Gladiators anxious to
claim the Empire Trophy (Anno LVI) for the spoiled victors. The stage is set for virtual
bore, and although the outcome is not in doubt, the carnage will satisfy the spectators,
and sell enough beer to reduce global warming, which will eliminate toxins from the
Ohio River and the Pacific Ocean. Thus it is likely that the soap opera will continue,
much as it did during the Cold War, but with more attention to broken-bone bribery
than razzle-frazzle brinksmanship, plus a renewed emphasis on the opioids of the
masses as a substitute for rational discourse–never mind, democratic governance.
As one fat cat conceded, albeit off the broken record, “the fix is in, but the spread
depends on how many suckers go overboard, and how many poor devils go under.”

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Signed: Dennis Rohatyn