“MTG: ‘Gazpacho’ Remark About Pelosi Ruining Cafeteria Menu” (J.C. Wade, Feb. 13, 2022)
On behalf of the Progresso party, I must object to all of the vichy criticisms directed
against Ms. Greene. Not only has she whetted the appetite of our citizenry for fine
dining, but astronomers report an enormous increase in online enrollment for their
annual seminar on Primordial Soup, peapodcast by BBCC (Big Bang Cosmic Cuisine).
In fact, this year’s plenary session owes its inspiration to Congresswoman Greene.
The topic is “Stirring the Pot: Did Space Lasers Separate the Milky Way from the
Red Meat of the Southern Galaxy?” At a time when our educational system is in
arrears, even after children get off the school bus to take target practice at home,
it is important to encourage students to eat their words, so that they won’t have
to do it every day of their lives, especially once they’ve been elected to Congress.
While readers may suspect a soupçon of irony floating in alphabet, I assure you
that I have never been more serious, even in the midst of a reheated argument.
So can it, please. Stop making fun of someone who is doing her best to make
gazpacho synonymous with Sauerbraten, and both with “Arbeit macht frei,” as
it did for all the crooks who boiled the broth at dozens of last resorts in the old
Beer Hall Borscht Belt, before reaching the Okefenokee and filling the swamps.
Instead, let’s all salute her, and sing “Heil Mushroom Cloud” while we still have
a chance to breathe, let alone slurp our vowel sauce without causing a massive
gas attack. Ask not what Campbell sells; ask for whom the Warhol tolls.
Chow, and Ramen, y’all,
Minnie Strone, D.V.M.
Master Race Nutritionist
Chef Boyardi Barracks
Dalton Trumbo, GA
Signed: Dennis Rohatyn