“White House Toilet Deposed by January 6 Committee” (Ted Holland, Feb. 18, 2022)
Since the original story broke wind, three more Oval Office toilets have been thrown
or handed sub-poenas. One, code-named “Whistleblower,” is scheduled to flush or
testify (whichever goes first) as soon as Trump is caught with his pants down, either
by the IRS or the State of New York. The other two are being sequestered, both for
their own safety and to prevent massive indoor flooding along the Eastern seaboard.
Residents of Florida won’t be affected, in part because they’re quite familiar with the
problem, and don’t consider it a threat to public health. As an octogenarian assured
an audience of peers at a retirement home near Mar-a-Lago, “I’ve grown accustomed
to his waste.” Although her voice was slightly off-Keys, the message got through and
undoubtedly struck a nerve, since several who were in attendance died the next day,
from complications due to Flint-19. Since then there have been no outbreaks, either
of remorse or of shame, which is reason enough to keep the toilets under wraps for
the time being, until the lid blows off the handle, and Trump’s chain has been jerked
upright long enough to make him pay attention to the indictment as it is being read.
Meanwhile, Whistleblower has already shown signs of crapping out, and may refuse
to take the stand, even if the other toilets are overflowing with security leaks. W.B.
has already had close brushes with the law, and thus has become cynical about the
judicial system, especially since the passing of Justice Ruth Bidet Ginsburg, not long
ago. In a recent guest appearance on Sanitation Night Live, W.B. (disguised as the
ghost of Plumbers past) surprises Watergate burglars rifling through old drawers
at DNC, only to watch in horror as they gathered in a circle and pissed all over the Constitution, without bothering to aim at the tidal bowl. Asked about it after the
show, W.B. said “history is repeating itself. Only this time, Trump isn’t taking the
Fifth–he’s pouring it down my throat, along with all that incriminating evidence.
What does he want me to do, throw up? Just ’cause he’s a drunken lout, why in
the name of January 6 do I have to pay for it?” Sobering words, from a veteran
four-flusher who has seen (and heard) it all. Yet the question at this hour is as
yet unanswered: Will W.B. tank? Or will the pressure from other toilets compel
No. 45 and his tools to take a flying dump? As more ooze about political slime
trickles down the Potomac pipeline, Americans will be the last to know, or care.
Signed: Dennis Rohatyn