‘Tis Déjà Nude à Vous

As the invasion of Ukraine continues, a male impersonator who calls himself
Vladimir Putain was arrested in Paris for disturbing the war and peace. The
officer in Montparnasse who was responsible for the bust, Capitain Charles
De Hebdolle, cited Section 1954 of the DBP code, which forbids aggression
of any kind within 1,000 km of the Eiffel Tower, unless it is directed against
American tourists. At the time of the arrest, V.P. had just gotten a pass
to watch Stella Artois perform in “Il y’a une jeune fille dans mon potage,”
starring Marjorie Taylor Greene. However, Ms. Artois became highly
indignant when Ms. Greene kept shouting “Stella, Stella!” while they
were on stage together, and began attacking her. Putain, thinking
this was all part of the act, leaped onto the stage from his box seat
sur le balcon, screaming in Latin, whereupon officer Hebdolle, who
was guarding Emmanuel Macron a few parking meters away, took
the script into his own hands, then closed the theatre of war for the
night, as he produced a warrant against Vladdy for failure to Improv
on it, based on bad presidents set in Indo-China, Algeria, and the 13
English colonies. Asked to tell his/her side of the story, Putain said
just one word: “Nyet!” Old French chefs, rarely at a loss for herbs,
called upon renowned linguist Dr. Anna Karenina to interpret this
encrypted remark, but she declined, saying only, “I can’t heb, doll.”
Any resemblance to Marlene Dietrich in drag is strictly intentional.
However, something may have been lost in the original, including
false innocence.

John Thomas
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