With the upcoming major league baseball season soon to be cancelled for lack of interest,
a team of international bankers and businessmen has stepped in to fill the void, aided by
super-rich stars who declared free agency to escape the war in Ukraine. The Outfit now
has more than enough reserves on the federal bench to begin competing on April Fuel’s Day, with a full schedule of day-and-night financial swindles, all hosted at the luxurious
Abu Ghraib Stadium, adjacent to the Military-Industrial-Prison Whipping Post Complex.
Teams will include the Russian Oligarchs, the NATO Diplomats, the Silicon Valley Dotcoms,
the Alaska Pipelines, the Mexican Cartels, the Wall Street Journals, the Las Vegas Sinners,
the Japanese Reactors, the Eastern Elites, the Pfizer Pharmas, the Florida Demagogues,
and the Mainstream Media. The new stadium boasts of the most uneven playing field
in the world, with a complement of Fortune 500 Sky High Boxes designed by Elon Tusk,
president of the exclusive Elephants Club, whose members have unlimited access to a
treasure trunk of diamonds stored below the grandstand. Commissioner Walt Martyr
hasn’t decided on a name for the new league, but is reviewing a number of proposals.
including one from a rival entrepreneur whom he describes as a “Soros loser” for not
being allowed to apply for a franchise, when a dispute broke out between the owners
of the British Brexits and the British Sterling, neither of whom had sufficient funds to
leverage or burn out the London Fog. Thus there are still juice loans on cooked books.
However, season ticket holders will qualify for Gilded Age discounts, plus free passes
to watch the Texas Tycoons strike oil against the Tammany Hall Robber Barons in the
annual Old-Crimer’s World Swindle, sure to be a bitcoin thrill for young facebook fans.
While our national pastime has become a thing of the past, there are well-manicured grounds for optimism as spring marketing begins. With American football relegated
to the sidelines until hospitals can find space for athletes suffering from concussions
as well as COVID, baseball may regain its former status as a secure investment, both
for fixers and financiers all over the globe. The Bear might not have wanted it that
way, but in sports as in everything else, a cheater never quits, and Bull always wins.
Signed: Dennis Rohatyn