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Flavor of the Month

Mar 282012
 
 By , March 28, 2012

When Ben & Jerry’s introduced “Schweddy Balls,” it caused a backlash. Introducing more candidates for flavor of the month!

By Roz Warren and Janet Golden

Dear Ben and Jerry:

When you recently named a new flavor “Schweddy Balls,” after a popular Saturday Night Live sketch, you thought you were having some harmless fun. But the members of OneMillionMoms aren’t laughing. In a world filled with war, famine, endemic poverty and economic woe, what this organization has chosen to get all riled up about is — vulgar ice cream names. They aren’t calling for their members to write the President about ending poverty or to Congress about stopping global warming. Instead, they‘re calling for immediate and decisive action against Ben and Jerry.

We’re two moms and we’re writing to say, “Thanks!” Thank you for diverting the energy, attention and effort of these idiots away from genuine political action (where they might do some actual damage) and toward something as trivial as ice cream flavors. To further divert their attention, we’ve come up with our own list of ice cream flavors sure to offend those folks. Why not add a few to your product line? Let’s see what happens when the million moms put these flavors in their cones:

Chaz Bono Banana Bonanza
Bert and Ernie Prenup with Nuts
Im-Peach Clarence Thomas
Schweddy Balls ice creamDarwinian Delight
Tax the Millionaires Mango
Single Payer Praline
LGBT Nuts and Cherries
Rick Perry’s Got A Little Popsicle
Elizabeth Warren Pro Consumer Crunch
Boehner Blows Banana Chunks
Mean and Slimy Mitt Chip
Republican Rocky Road to Environmental Calamity and Cream
Marijuana Ripple
Handgun Ban-ana
Tax Capital Gains Ganache
More Public Television Funding Pina Colada.
No Death by Chocolate Penalty.
One World Walnut
Bilingual Education Neopolitan
Environmental Protection Pineapple
End Global Warming Pecan Twist (served slightly melted)
Support Safe Legal Abortion Swirl.
Soft on Crime Marshmallow.
Sex Toys Pretzel Twist.
Mocha Fudge Fourteenth Amendment.
Tea Party Destroys Country Parfait
Free Love Whoopie Pie
Evangelical Nut Sundae.
Obama 2012 Chocolate Orange

We invite you to produce a few of these flavors. And while those million moms take up their pens to write you complaint letters, we’ll be knocking on doors to promote intelligent candidates, writing editorials supporting action on serious issues and working with our friends and neighbors to build a new progressive movement. And you know what? When we finally achieve meaningful change in this country, we’ll celebrate with an ice cream party, and serve up some Progressive Taxation Swirl, Pelosi Passion Fruit Sorbet and Peacetime Pecan Crunch!

— Roz Warren and Janet Golden

The classic SNL sketch:

[Ed. note: Got more suggestions? Add them in comments!]

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Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.

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  • Genre1837

     Ha!  Wonderful!

  • athought

    Always, always brings a smile to my face!

  • Ruthienathan

    How about, Chocolate Mandate with Preexisting Bloated Cherries Supreme

  • Chefamybeth

    Very Very Funny!!!! If I had time I would enjoy adding to the list!
     

  • kate

    Great flavors!  I especially love the intro

  • You just know the “Mean and Slimy Mitt Chip” will be low-fat, flavorless, and only come with enough chips half the time.

  • kelly

    great!!

  • Lizad

    Love it!