[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Walmart Institutes Dress Code for Shoppers

Strategy is part of a makeover for the image-conscious Walmart chain

After years of being the butt of jokes regarding the class of shoppers it attracts, Walmart executives have finally said enough is enough. Starting in July, Walmart will be instituting a new dress code for its shoppers and promises the code will be strictly enforced.

The retail giant is giving its customers fair warning that it’s not just no shirts and no shoes that will get them banned, but a whole host of other garments that it claims are not shopper-friendly.

A partial listing will be posted in the upcoming Walmart ads in plenty of time to assure that shoppers wanting to pick up their 4th of July provisions won’t be turned away without proper notice.

Based upon actual photos of Walmart shoppers that have been circulating on the internet in recent years, the newly formed Walmart Shopper Dress Code Committee is introducing these rules.

[Please bear in mind that the folks who make up the WSDCC have not been trained in socially acceptable communications and therefore, since time is of the essence, the list is being published pretty much verbatim before the Walmart Customer Relations Department has had a chance to review it.]

The Walmart Shopper Dress Code

1. No pajamas. We understand that many of our stores are open 24 hours a day, but that does not mean you can get up in the middle of the night, throw on a robe and slippers and come on down for some donuts and milk.

2. Pants must be worn around the waist and underwear concealed underneath. That is why it is called underwear. This includes underdrawers, underpants, and undies. If you do not understand the meaning of under, we will be more than happy to explain it to you.

3. Ladies, no bra tops. Men, no midriff tank tops. We get it. It’s summertime and it’s hot outside. We just don’t need you to make it any hotter, if you get our meaning.

4. Moms, please put some pants on your babies before placing them in the baskets. Besides the ‘ewww’ factor, you (and they) will thank us years from now when pictures of them in drooping diapers aren’t pasted all over the internet.

5. Ladies of the evening, aka ‘working girls,’ we understand that like everyone else, ya gotta eat. We would appreciate it, however, if you could schedule your shopping well in advance of starting your ‘shifts.’ While the parochial schoolgirl look is hot on the streets, as are the leather mini-skirts and thigh high leggings, it’s not something we like to have parading up and down the aisles, especially when you need that jar of mayo which just happens to be on the bottom shelf.

6. Cross-dressers. While we totally applaud your individuality, we ask only that if you are going to wear a dress, you please get a wax job and shave your beards. It’s not so much us as it is the kids you are scaring the living daylights out of, especially when you turn the corner and run smack dab into one on your way to getting that last lemon-pepper roasted chicken at the deli.

7. Guys, please, wear a belt or suspenders. See #5, i.e. jar of mayo. The last thing anyone wants to see in a store filled with grocery items is someone’s butt crack. Seriously, we could have been more discreet on this rule, but honestly, if it is you we are talking about, you don’t even know what discreet means, so why bother?

And ladies, the same goes for you. If you can take the time to check your lipstick in the mirror, take a moment to see whether or not your thong is showing through your clothing. The bra strap thing with tank tops is pretty much a fashion statement now, but if you wouldn’t mind, could you at least wear a nice bra? Your frayed $5 Walgreen’s special that you’ve had since 1984 is frankly a fashion faux pas.

8. It is no secret that Walmart carries a wide selection of beers, both domestic and imported, and we all know what beer does to the ole physique, right guys? While we take partial responsibility for your having developed some incredible beer bellies, we do not appreciate the fact that you still think you are a size medium in t-shirts. Walmart now carries a complete line of X-Large to Lardass t-shirts and in most cases, they cost a mere $2 more for the plus sizes. You can usually find them right next to the belts.

9. To our plus-size ladies, we offer this piece of fashion advice: you do not look that great in bicycle shorts and tank tops when your butt is the size of a small pickup and your back boobs are as large as your front ones. Thanks to our incredibly talented buyers here at Walmart, we have a whole selection of plus-size clothing that will make you look slimmer and trimmer. Might we suggest you put back the economy-sized box of Twinkies and spend the extra money on extra-sized clothing.

10. Finally, if none of the above sinks in, we simply ask that you please dress as if you were going shopping at Target.

P. Beckert