The original Gettysburg Address was just 272 words. This one’s better, of course, at 550 words. Bigly, even.
It was in the early days of July, 1863, that the Union and Confederate armies clashed at Gettysburg. Let us pause and bow our heads and consider the sacrifices that occurred there. Let us also consider what President Lincoln’s renowned speech commemorating those events, immortalized as the Gettysburg Address, might have sounded like if composed by a more adroit rhetorician, like the current occupant of the Executive Mansion. Lincoln, who had very little schooling, was able to use only 272 words. It’s better to use 550, of course. Much better:
A long time ago, a very long time ago, the people who started this very great country here in America started it with the idea that everyone should be free and equal, not just the king and his buddies. This was a new idea, a very great idea. You hear about the Greeks having that idea and the Romans having a great country, but look around: Do you see a Greek empire or a Roman empire? There’s not one, because the Greeks and the Romans were losers, and Americans are not losers.
Now today we’re in a great civil war you may have heard about, a very great civil war, the greatest civil war that has ever happened, because America is the greatest country that has ever happened. And we’re going to find out if any nation with such great ideas, such big ideas, can get through this. We’re going to show everybody. Right now today we’re here on this battlefield where so many great men, so many very great men, got killed here and got their arms and legs cut off by doctors, some of the greatest doctors in the world, with nothing but whiskey for anesthetic, that’s how great the doctors are in this country.
And we’re here to dedicate this place where they put a cemetery because there were so many bodies they couldn’t even send them all home. That’s a big battle, right? Because America is the greatest country and that’s how we do things. And dedicating the cemetery is the right thing to do, because these men got shot, and stabbed with bayonets, and got the hell blown out of them and amputated and all that to keep this great country going.
But if you look at the big picture, and it is very, very big because of the bigness of this great country and the great idea we have, having a ceremony can’t add anything or take anything away from these very great dead men here. You know, some people like Jim Acosta and Mitt Romney will tell you that when they write history someday nobody’s going to care about anything we’re doing today, which is a lot of crap, very bad crap, but what these dead men did was even bigger than this cemetery and all the events we’re having today.
And what all of us have to do is keep going and fighting this huge war and finishing the job of finding the people who oppose this great country’s great ideas and pounding on them till they give up like the Greeks and Romans and go boo-hoo like Hillary and Kamala. These dead men, these very great dead men, got that way for a good reason, for keeping everybody in this great country free and equal, so we need to look at what they did like they were making the whole point, the point of being this very great country, all over again so everybody gets the point and America goes on winning, not like those losers I’m not even going to name again, right? Because that’s how history is: Losers get forgotten, but Americans, the American people in this very great country, have always been winners and will always be winners and the world will never forget the winning that happened here.
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