Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/24/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Keith Richards writes a book for kids

I hear it’s called “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, Then Hocked It To Pay For His Drug Habit.”

TV Ratings: ‘Duck Dynasty’ drops to 16-Month low ahead of finale

In other words, looks like viewers are flipping the Duck gang the bird.

Stunning photos show the ancient tradition of honey hunting in Nepal

Nowadays, most Nepalis use EHarmony to find a honey.

Starbucks is introducing a new brand of Oprah Chai Tea

And you get a Grande! And you get a Grande! And you get a Grande!

Strip club manager elected onto a neighborhood council

Talk about relying on the poles.

Big boobs are not always a good thing

True. Too often they get elected to Congress.

Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps Sr. passed away

In some places, flags will be flying at twice their usual height.

Turkey shuts down Twitter

I guess that means people won’t be able to ‘talk Turkey.’

Mitt Romney expressed concern about the President’s foreign policy

Apparently, he has money hidden in lots of those countries.

McDonald’s has secret menu

Then why use that crappy one?

Former GOP Chair saves $1,000 a month with ObamaCare

No word if that’s same chair last seen being talked to by Clint Eastwood.

School bans 9-year-old boy’s My Little Pony backpack

Well, everyone knows My Little Pony is a gateway drug to shooting horse.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)