[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Whitman Proposes ‘eCal’ System Modeled on eBay to Fix Budget Woes

Calif. governor candidate defends strategy, saying, ‘It’s what I know’

Whitman: Its what I know
A Humor Times Special Report

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman today unveiled a radical new plan for balancing the state budget. “I want to put in place an eBay-type system that would be called ‘eCal,'” the former eBay CEO said, “and don’t ask me how I can be sure it will work. It just will. I have woman’s intuition, and I trust in the eBay strategy. It’s what I know.”

Details are sketchy, but apparently instead of voting on budget bills, the state senate and assembly would simply bid on them, with, naturally, the highest bid winning. “Let them put their money where there mouths are,” said Whitman, “then we’ll see only the best ideas survive, because they’ll be the most valuable ones. It’s simple.”

“We’ll put the money raised into the general fund, further alleviating budget shortfalls,” added Ms. Whitman, “and of course, some will go into bonuses for the highest-performing politicians, including governor, since my philosophy is to run state government like a business.”

Democrats are complaining that since Republican congressmen are generally wealthier, with deeper pockets backing them, it would give them an unfair advantage. “Unfair advantage?” retorted Whitman, “Typical weak-kneed Democrat response. Are these people anti-free market, or what?”

Whitman said Democrats were being hypocritical. “They’ve held a majority in both houses all this time, and I haven’t heard them complaining about unfair advantages. Now, they’re afraid of an even playing field. I say, may the best bidder win.”

Democratic candidate Jerry Brown’s office issued a terse statement that read, “This is a highly unusual proposal, to put it mildly, and we will have to study it further before responding. However, one problem we see right away is what to do about sniping [last-second, automated bids]. Clearly, we can’t have our budget determined by snippy, snapping snipers.”

James Israel
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