Fun with the News: Tony Romo and More

Charlie Sheen was paid twenty-five million dollars Monday to settle his firing from Two and a Half Men. He’ll also get paid a hundred and fifty million over eight years. If you give a drug addict in Los Angeles more than twenty-five million dollars at a time it could kill him.

Sunset Boulevard was shut down Monday as President Obama attended a fundraiser hosted by Steven Spielberg at the House of Blues. Everyone’s used to it. Los Angeles cops shut down traffic in both directions whenever Steven Spielberg drives in from Malibu.

Michael Jackson’s executor said he was worth three hundred million dollars Monday as his doctor’s trial began. He’s charged with manslaughter. That’s because he refused to plead guilty to a lesser charge of quadrupling a celebrity’s worth without his permission.

Dallas Cowboys star Tony Romo was saluted for his Hispanic heritage Monday before leading the Cowboys to a win over Washington, despite playing with a cracked rib and a punctured lung. A lot of people didn’t know he was Hispanic. Jerry Jones is now being sued by the Labor Department for operating a sweatshop with unsafe working conditions.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn asked a judge to have his hotel maid’s civil suit against him dismissed. He says his IMF job gave him diplomatic immunity from a rape lawsuit. He’s arguing, and not without merit, that every hotel room in America is legally French territory.

President Obama got his lowest job approval numbers on Monday. Years ago during rush hour Michelle called him to warn him that a crazed idiot was driving on the wrong way on the freeway. Barack replied that he’d already counted about four hundred of them.

The Washington Monument was closed for repairs Tuesday as workers rappelled up and down the obelisk to check for earthquake damage. They had to hurry. Word got out there was crack in the Washington Monument and the crowds are a threat to public safety.

Boeing completed the sale of its new Dream Liner Monday to All Nippon Airways. It’s a huge, light and super luxurious passenger liner that’s made out of plastic composite material. The plane is able to carry six hundred people, or about three hundred Americans.

President Obama spoke at a thirty-five-thousand-dollar-a-plate dinner in Los Angeles Monday and he urged passage of his jobs bill. There’s no shortage of jobs in this town. Everyone in L.A. has at least four jobs–a nose job, a boob job, an eye job, and a tummy tuck.

The White House asked a court Monday to keep all videos of Osama bin Laden secret that were taken when the SEALs assassinated him. There are fifty-two videos of the hit. As it stands they only show it at bachelor parties when someone at the Pentagon gets married.

The Secret Book of CIA Humor by CIA agent and stand-up comic Ed Mikolus discloses funny things that happen to CIA agents overseas. You think you have it tough? This guy had to play the Chuckle Hut in Abbottabad the night after we knocked off Osama bin Laden.

The Dead Sea Scrolls were released online Tuesday by Israel. They’re two-thousand-year-old Bible texts discovered sixty years ago. To lure Internet viewers they will allow online gambling at the foot of the cross and link to nude photos of David and Bathsheba.

Rick Perry accused Mitt Romney of excising pro-health care passages from the latest edition of Mitt’s bio. His health care law never made sense. No one can understand why a Republican would want Massachusetts voters to live an election longer than is necessary.

Argus Hamilton