[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Sacramento Airport Readying Expansion

>Hopes are to build world-class terminals holding lines “as long as any”

SACRAMENTO, CA – Soon, bulldozers will be working feverishly at the Sacramento International Airport, pushing dirt around and giving the place a renewed air of importance. In an aggressive move, county airport officials say they will “raise the Sacramento airport’s reputation to the level of the biggest, most crowded and traffic-jammed airports in the whole world.”

The project’s $1.3 billion price tag will help Sacramento’s debt level to compare favorably with the biggest metropolitan areas as well, say observers.

Airport director Hardy Acrobeet said Sacramento’s facility needs a major expansion to keep pace with Northern California growth. In announcing the project, Acrobeet said, “This train has left the station,” quickly correcting himself and adding, “the plane has rolled out to the tarmac.”

Supporters say riders will feel pride in the accomplishment when they finally get a parking spot, pay the exorbitant fee, and take their place in the world-class line.

The expansion, county officials said, will turn a plain old cow-town airport into a swank symbol of excess, just like all those big-city airports, giving airport patrons something to feel pride in as they wait.

The centerpiece will be a glass-walled central terminal, soaring four stories in height, which officials hope to open by 2011. “Airport customers will only need to suck dust and dirt for four short years,” said a beaming Fred Wingman, airport planner, “then it will be all shiny floors, clean sidewalks and rope lines as far as the eye can see.”

Expansion plans will, of course, include trams, remote concourses and all the trappings of a successful airport, each with their own inherent lines, giving riders plenty of time to admire the architecture.

James Israel
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