Fun with the News: Lindsay Lohan and More

The White House imposed a fifteen-cent tax on Christmas trees Tuesday to fund a PR program to push Christmas tree sales. The next day the president wisely canceled it. If he puts a tax on Christmas trees those stories that he wasn’t born in America will never die.

Lindsay Lohan was escorted by sheriffs into Los Angeles County Jail Monday to serve thirty days for violating probation. She was released four hours later. It’s a Los Angeles ordinance that the only thing shorter than a celebrity marriage is a celebrity jail sentence.

Clint Eastwood’s new movie J. Edgar opens Friday about the legendary FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover. He spent forty years tracking communists, child kidnappers, civil rights agitators and celebrity sex lives. In his will, he left the family business to Rupert Murdoch.

Michael Jackson’s family filed a wrongful death civil suit against Staples Center owner AEG. They say AEG forced Michael to work past exhaustion rehearsing for the upcoming concert dates. They were only trying to help him fall asleep in a way that wouldn’t kill him.

Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi faced calls to resign Tuesday for his affairs with sixteen-year-old party girls at his villa. He’s resilient. Silvio should apply to be president of Penn State, pitching himself as a president who, if nothing else, represents a step in the right direction.

Saudi bin Khaled sold his filly Royal Delta at auction in Kentucky Tuesday for eight million. She’d just won the Ladies Breeders Cup. Horse travel has been out of the reach of ordinary Saudis since the U.S. set up the Organization of Hay Exporting Countries, OHEC.

The Interior Department unveiled a plan to allow for more oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico and the Gulf of Alaska Tuesday. The plans call for eighteen lease sales by the U.S. government to oil companies. It’s a popular idea for two reasons. It’ll lower gas prices and Americans have learned to love lobster claws that open and close easily without creaking.

Cox Cable and Time Warner announced plans to sell nine-dollar-a-month broadband access to homes on the U.S. school lunch program. It levels the playing field. It’s not fair for poor kids to be at a disadvantage in the global competition to win World of Warcraft.

President Obama did a test of the Emergency Alert System Wednesday at eleven in the morning. A buzzing alert broke in on all radio and TV shows. They wanted to test his ability to seize the airwaves and give instructions during an attack by Rush Limbaugh.

Bill Clinton published a new book called Back to Work Monday that is a one hundred and fifty page list of suggestions to get America growing again. The book is a thoughtful read that reaches out to both political parties. Herman Cain agreed to review it for Playboy.

Herman Cain went on ABC News Tuesday and denied sexual misconduct allegations made against him, by four women the previous four days. No new charges surfaced on the fifth day. Under the rules of pizza executives, if you harass four women, the fifth one’s free.

The Physicists Assembly added three elements to the Periodic Chart Friday. They’re named after a German astronomer, a German physicist and a German lab. On their first day up on the Periodic Chart they invaded and occupied all the neighboring elements.

Brett Ratner stepped down as the Academy Awards show producer Monday after he told reporters that rehearsals are for fags. He offended the wrong minority group to make his point. If he’d said that rehearsals are for Muslims, he would have been laughed out of the room because, as everyone knows, they always rehearse on the day before the flight.

Argus Hamilton