Fun with the News: Demi & Ashton & More

Demi Moore announced Thursday she will divorce Ashton Kutcher, after he began cheating on her and partying all night. He really didn’t have a choice. This fall Ashton Kutcher was hired to replace Charlie Sheen and in this economy, a job’s a job.

Italian premier Silvio Berlusconi resigned over his sexual affair with a sixteen-year-old stripper named Ruby the Heart Stealer. He lost two titles in a week. He was replaced by Mario Monti as prime minister of Italy and by Jerry Sandusky as the creepiest man in the world.

The NBA players broke off talks with the owners Tuesday and filed an anti-trust suit against the NBA. The public could care less about pro basketball during football season. If LeBron James was any less in demand right now his picture would be on Greek currency.

NASA will launch the Curiosity Rover to Mars next week at Cape Canaveral. One arm of the robot rover is a chemistry-sensing laser and the other arm is a drilling bit. If they can find both oil and drugs there, both Republicans and Democrats will vote to fund NASA.

New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices top one hundred dollars a barrel this week, sending gasoline prices through the roof. It’s demoralizing. Gas is so expensive in L.A. that guys in Beverly Hills are hiring hookers to siphon gas out of other people’s cars.

The Transportation Department ordered Exxon Mobil to fix its oil pipelines that are leaking into streams in Wyoming and Montana. The environment has adapted. Ford just invented a car that runs on water but it only runs on water from the Yellowstone River.

The Secret Service is looking for an unstable criminal named Oscar Ortega from Idaho in connection with two bullets that hit the White House last week. Where’s the security? Americans are demanding to know how illegal immigrants made it as far north as Idaho.

Herman Cain slipped in the GOP polls as his expertise in foreign policy came under question by an editorial board in Milwaukee. It was awkward. They asked Herman Cain about Libya and he said she’s a liar hired by the Democratic machine to discredit him.

The Washington Times reported Wednesday that the U.S. aircraft carrier George H.W. Bush has been plagued with plumbing problems. The ship is named after a former president who is eighty-seven years old. They don’t need a plumber, they need a urologist.

Newt Gingrich was reported Monday to have bought his wife jewelry and taken her on a cruise so she’d agree to his campaign. He did this on advice from his doctor. Twice he was almost killed by the most crippling disease in Washington, irreconcilable differences.

Throw Them All Out is a book by Peter Schweizer that details how U.S. congressmen use insider information to invest in stocks. It’s all legal. The tough part was when the pay phones were taken out of the Capitol and they had to learn to use a Blackberry to steal.

The Gallup Poll said seventy percent of Americans think the nation is heading in the wrong direction. Unemployment and the real estate crash have put the president and Congress in the approval dumper. China is starting to wonder about the country it bought.

President Obama announced Thursday he will send twenty-five hundred U.S. troops to Australia. It’s to stop Chinese power. They’re each equipped with Ben Bernanke’s phone number, so that in case China tries anything we can devalue the dollar and wipe them out.

Occupy Wall Street protesters were forcibly removed by police from the park in New York Tuesday. Homeland Security coordinated the public park evictions in sixteen cities. Karl Marx forgot to mention that you can’t stage a revolution without Porta-Potties.

Argus Hamilton