A Few Bad Nuts Spoil the ACORN

>According to news reports that have been judged fair and balanced, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, or ACORN, has apparently gone nuts. The 39 year old organization, which has dedicated itself to “building community organizations that are committed to social and economic justice,” is now apparently all about helping ho’s get cribs they can turn into whorehouses for underage sex slaves from El Salvador.

The embattled organization claims many victories since 1970 on “thousands of issues of concern to our members, through direct action, negotiation, legislative advocacy and voter participation.” Obviously, after nearly four decades of success in helping those in need, the organization is completely unsalvageable now, and should be abolished, say Republican senators.

Even Democrats are being careful not to be seen as supporting the once-respected group. “Sorry, poor folk, it’s a tough time to be giving you even less help, but we’re confident you’re a resourceful bunch. Good luck,” said former supporter, Democratic Senator Al Franken of Minnesota.

Ironically, ACORN has been a great help in registering Hispanics and blacks for the Democratic party. “I’m sure that has nothing to do with why Republicans have sought to vilify us for so long,” said Sally Jorgenson, press liaison for ACORN.

“Just look at how they promote themselves,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner, “using all those code words. ‘Direct action, voter participation’ – they’re obviously trying to recruit al Queada sympathizers for terrorist activity.”

After the scandal broke, ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis announced that, “As a result of the indefensible action of a handful of our employees, I am … immediately ordering a halt to any new intakes into ACORN’s service programs until completion of an independent review.”

“That should help until we can finally close down that subversive group,” said Rep. Boehner.
Both houses of Congress voted immediately and overwhelmingly to stop all federal funding support for ACORN. And the rich began to party, as those pesky po’ people have just lost the nation’s largest grassroots community organization of low- and moderate-income people.

“The nation is safe once again,” said Boehner.

James Israel
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