[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Obama: New Bill Will Protect Freedoms by Restricting Them

‘NDAA will help us put away freedom haters forever’ says prez

President Obama defended his signing of the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) against criticism from dissenters — “who had better watch what they say” — in a speech from the Rose Garden today.

Obama patriotically signing the bill in front of flags.

“As everyone knows, freedom is not free,” Obama said, “and to pay for it, we may regrettably have to sacrifice the freedom of an unlucky few, who we decide are terrorists, or terrorist-lovers. Or terrorist helpers. Or anyone who’s ever bumped into one by mistake. That evil can rub off, you know.”

Obama has made it clear the benefits outweigh the risks in this legislation.

“Sure, we might make a few mistakes, but isn’t your freedom worth it?” the president said. “Think before you answer that,” he added.

He took pains to reassure the public that citizens had nothing to fear.

“My administration will not authorize the indefinite military detention without trial of American citizens,” reads a signing statement attached to the bill. “Indeed, I believe that doing so would break with our most important traditions and values as a nation. Like letting the cops do the dirty work of planting evidence and sending prisoners to private prisons, thus spurring job growth in the prison industrial sector. After all, jobs remain our top priority.”

“And I reject the argument that this bill is somehow unconstitutional or unpatriotic. As you can plainly see, I signed the bill in front of not one, not two, but four flags!”

He told the assembled press that although it will never be used, the power to detain Americans indefinitely was necessary in the age of terrorists.

“And I’m sure no presidents after me would detain citizens indefinitely. Never ever. So why do we need the provision, if it’ll never be used, you ask? Don’t ask, don’t tell. Because, if you do, you might be the first.”

“It’s a scary world we live in these days,” Obama said, “and it pays to be paranoid. After all, we don’t want terrorists destroying our freedoms. And the only way to prevent them from doing it is to clamp down on freedom now, before they can get to it. You can thank me by re-electing me.”

“And remember, those voting machines are smart. They’re watching out for terrorists too — like those who would vote against our freedom. The freedom to obey. Thank you. And may God bless America.”

James Israel
Social media