Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/26/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

March for Our Lives, headlines today
“March for Our Lives” demonstration, Washington DC.

‘March for Our Lives’ could be the biggest single-day protest in D.C.’s history

Who said Trump couldn’t fill the DC National Mall?

Flight attendant orgy denied by airline despite being caught on camera

Guessing they didn’t work for Virgin Atlantic.

Stormy Daniels reportedly passed lie detector test on Trump affair

…and let’s face it, she’s not that good an actress.

Bloomberg: Mark Zuckerberg is the biggest mover on our Billionaires Index. He lost $4.92 billion today

Put away the tiny violins, he can still afford Starbucks. And, I don’t mean just a double Venti, I mean, Starbucks, the whole company.

Toys ‘R’ Us to close all its stores

Now if you want to play with kids’ toys for free you gotta go in the back of Roy Moore’s van.

Trump: ‘Special Council is told to find crimes, wether crimes exist or not’

If the spelling police were on the case, Trump would already be serving a ‘lif sentince in preson.’

DEVELOPING: Facebook suspends political research firm Cambridge Analytica

Proving never trust a company that sounds like a type of font.

Toys ‘R’ Us founder Charles Lazarus has died at 94

In lieu of flowers, someone give Geoffrey Giraffe a job.

It’s ‘World Poetry Day’

Shout out to the girl from Nantucket.

Uncertainty in the White House as more staff shake-ups loom

Damn, with all the firings the White House is so empty, you’d think Trump turned it into one of his casinos.

O.J Simpson says Colin Kaepernick ‘made a bad choice in attacking the flag’

No word if he took time off from looking for real killer to make the statement.

Trump says ‘crazy Joe Biden’ would ‘go down fast’ if he physically assaulted him

… looks like Trump has Biden confused with the Stock Market.

Ex-Playboy model, Karen McDougal, sues for right to break silence on alleged Trump affair

She was going to write an article but knew people would only look at her picture.

On this date in 1959 President Eisenhower signed the Hawaii statehood bill

… officially marking Hawaii’s no longer being a part of Kenya.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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