Editor allegedly offers kickbacks for ads, subscriptions: Now under investigation for bribery!
“He’s offered to buy a drink for anyone placing an ad or ordering two or more subscriptions, allegedly in honor of their 21st Anniversary Issue! What would YOU call it?” said Officer Doright of the FBI. “We’re on the case!”
The Humor Times is claiming innocence, by right of a 21-year-old’s hubris. “C’mon, can’t a 21 year old strut his stuff?” asked editor James Israel.
Some have postulated that law enforcement is just using an excuse to hassle a controversial publication. After all, the monthly magazine has been a thorn in the side of politicians, both left and right, for over 20 years now. 21, to be exact.
“Hey, what 21 year old, on their birthday, suddenly able to legally buy alcoholic drinks, does not want to party?” asked Israel, incredulously.
But he got in trouble moments later, when he seemed to be insinuating some kind of quid pro quo deal, as he said, “This is a big moment for the Humor Times, and I don’t see how buying drinks for supporters is a big deal.”
Officer Doright was standing nearby, listening intently, and at that point he briskly walked up to Mr. Israel, pointing in his face.
“We don’t take kindly to bribing people to do what you want them to do,” he told the editor. “That’s only allowed in the House and Senate, not here in America!”
An full investigation is underway, and reportedly, the government is pulling resources away from investigating criminal activity on Wall Street that led to the recent economic crash. “We’ve got our priorities,” said Doright.