The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is U.S. Senator Ron Johnson from the great state of Wisconsin.

Ron Johnson by donkeyhotey
Ron Johnson, caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning, Senator Johnson.

RON JOHNSON

Duncan, the Mars Rover has been abducted by space aliens. All that footage you see on TV is filmed in a Hollywood Studio.

JERRY

(game show voice) I’m glad you said that because it’s time to play Pick Your Conspiracy.

JOHNSON

That’s right up my alley. I’m a natural born liar.

JERRY

I will ask three questions. Each one pertaining to a conspiracy. You need to tell me who the person is that said it. Each correct answer is worth $100. If you get two out of three, there will be a bonus of $1,000. Two wrong answers and you don’t get any additional money. Are you ready?

JOHNSON

Yes, Sir.

JERRY

Question number one for $100. Who said, “I don’t believe what happened at the Capitol was an armed insurrection.”

JOHNSON

Rudy Giuliani.

JERRY

Sorry. It was you.

JERRY

Question number two for $100. Who said, “There were fake Trump supporters” in Senate hearings on the Capitol riot.

JOHNSON

That sounds like me.

JERRY

Who else could it be? You are correct for $100.

JOHNSON

Show me the money, Duncan. I want to make sure it isn’t fake.

JERRY

Last question. For $100 and a chance to win a $1,000 bonus. Who said, “Middle Ages were an extremely warm period of time, too. And it wasn’t like there were tons of cars on the road.”

JOHNSON

Gosh. The answer is on the tip of my tongue. (to himself) It can’t be Frankenstein. He was born after the Middle Ages. Besides, Ted Cruz is Frankenstein.

JERRY

10 seconds left.

JOHNSON

Congressman Jim Jordan. Yeah, Jim. He’s a big climate denier and has all the charm and warmth of an elephant’s balls.

JERRY

No. It was you, Rojo.

JOHNSON

Darn, of course it was. I never met a conspiracy I didn’t embrace.

JERRY

During the Obama presidency, you were a staunch fiscal hawk on federal spending and deficits. When Trump was elected, you defended having a large deficit. Gave rich folks like yourself a tax cut.

JOHNSON

Neh, neh, neh, neh, neh.

JERRY

Like so many politicians in Congress, they inherited family money. What about you?

JOHNSON

Heck, no. My parents were dairy farmers in Minnesota. I baled hay, milked the cows. Even had part time jobs to support the family.

JERRY

What kinds of jobs?

JOHNSON

I was a caddy on a golf course, dishwasher at a restaurant and worked as a soda jerk.

JERRY

The perfect job. You’re a jerk alright.

JOHNSON

Hey, I worked my way through college. Then hit the jackpot when I married my wife. Her rich uncle gave me a job in his plastics factory. I rose to CEO and made a boatload of money.

JERRY

There’s a song written about you.

JOHNSON

Really. Who wrote it? Paul Simon? Bob Dylan? Randy Rainbow?

JERRY

Me.

JOHNSON

You?!

JERRY

You wanna hear it?

JOHNSON

Absolutely. I’m flattered.

DUNCAN

Don’t be.

JERRY

My name is Ron Johnson, I come from Wisconsin,

Almost ran my company into the ground.

But had luck on my side and turned the tide,

Now I’m a Republican clown.

All the Cheeseheads I meet as I walk down the street,

Say in the next election I’m gonna get beat.

I’ll try to prove them wrong, but probably bomb,

And go down in defeat.

JOHNSON

C’mon. They love me in Wisconsin. I’ve been elected twice.

JERRY

Really? The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel asked you to resign after the Capitol riots for denying that Trump supporters stormed the Capitol.

JOHNSON

Don’t you get it, Duncan? The FBI and Justice Department are part of the deep state.

JERRY

Hold on. Senator Bernie Sanders us on the line and has something to say to you.

BERNIE SANDERS

You’re a conspiracist, Ron. You’re undermining the integrity of our free elections.

JOHNSON

Where I come from in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, people call me a fighter.

SANDERS

Where I come from in Brooklyn, New York, people call you a putz.

JOHNSON

What’s the difference between a fighter and a putz?

JERRY

They’re practically the same thing. I got into a fight with a blind man yesterday. I guess we weren’t seeing eye to eye.

SANDERS

Now that’s a fighter and a putz.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show

(c) Dean B. Kaner

 

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