Give Us This Day Our Daily Brawl

Among the many ironies surrounding the “food fight” at Golden Corral, here are some
that reporters have overlooked completely: (1) The township of Bensalem (founded in
1682) was named in honor of William Penn–a devout Quaker. Bensalem means “Son
of Peace” in Hebrew and Arabic. (2) The brawl occurred beneath a big sign in the main
dining area that read “Gather.” (3) The man who can be heard saying “all I wanted was
some steak” was quoting Matthew 27:46, albeit in post-insurrection translation. Surely,
’tis a constipation devoutly to be missed, especially if you have no desire to participate
in the last supper ahead of schedule. The lesson to be learned from this Biblical flood
of passion requires repentance at every repast, including breakfast buffet communion.
Otherwise, the world will descend into chaos, and the number of the roast beast will be $666 per sinful patron, to cover the rising costs of furniture, plate glass, and band-aids.
From now on, thou shalt honor thy server, and allow other customers to go before thee.
The Lord shall prepare a table for thee in the presence of thy enemies; thy plastic cups
have lids, so they won’t spill when you get run over by one of God’s overgrown children.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow you into the parking lot, until you get indigestion.
In the words of the founder of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, “sufficient unto the
menu is the watery oatmeal thereof.” Amen–and abandon all Coke, ye who dine here.

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Signed: Dennis Rohatyn