Where the Rubber Meets the Room

The truth about the food fight at Golden Corral has finally been revealed, sans Onion.
Turns out that it was neither a shortage of steak nor someone being served ahead of
other patrons, but rather, three different cuts of meat that were offered to diners, in
order of their standing in the surrounding community. The gentry qualified for filet
Michelin, the suburbanites got prime Bridgestone, while all the folks from Philly had
to settle for cheese steak à la Uniroyal. The manager belatedly apologized for such
invidious discrimination, and swore (under his breath) that from now on, the family
restaurant in Benshamonem, PA would only serve T-Boned inner tubes to each and
every one of their loyal customers, free of charge. When asked whether the steaks
would be cooked rare, medium, or well done, he said “diners will choose between
pumped up and blown out, depending on which emergency room they prefer to
use immediately afterwards.” Off-camera, he confided “we pray our business will
pick up before the paramedics do it for us, but so far, it has not been a good year.”
However, Wall Street analysts predict a bright future for GC, once the winter ends,
and the CEO of the country’s biggest stale food chain retires to his estate in Akron.

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Signed: Dennis Rohatyn