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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL Just an LOL

May 072013
 By , May 7, 2013

“We should have been suspicious from the very beginning,” says expert, regarding overuse of “ROFL” online

A new study was released last week detailing various online practices of users across our interconnected globe.  Needless to say, some appalling facts have come to light.

Fake ROFL laugh

This guy had a good laugh, but inaccurately described it as “ROFL.” He did not, in fact, roll on the floor at all.

Apparently, the vast majority of web surfers suffer from something called lying.  Basically, those who use internet slang as a form of communicating emotion are doing so superfluously, haphazardly, and, for the most part, under false pretenses.

The data showed that seventy-five percent of the time LOL is used, the perpetrators are simply grinning while typing.  Even more disturbing is the revelation that ninety-eight to ninety-nine percent of the time the user claims that something is so funny they are literally rolling on the floor laughing (ROFL) in hysterics–you guessed it–they are still in their chair or on their bed.

“We should have been suspicious from the very beginning,” says sociological expert Tom Frandlebars.  “We naively accepted that people were out there constantly laughing out loud.  But then it escalated to careening on the ground like some sort of felled lumber.  And, of course, it didn’t end there.  The sheer audacity of someone claiming they’ve somehow laughed so hard that their ass came off should have been enough of a red flag for us.  We see it now as a cry for help.”

According to every government and press agency we’ve contacted, though there have been multitudinous reports of LMAO, there has yet to be one actual confirmed case on record.

However, we were able to track down and talk to part of the one percent.

“Yes, when I laugh, I invariably end up on the ground,” reported T. H. (not his real name). “But it’s not because I am upholding a sense of duty or social responsibility–it’s actually a condition of mine which can’t be controlled. It’s called ROFLing and, seriously, it’s nothing to laugh at.”

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Jeff Boldt is an English teacher living in China and the writer and editor of Iron E-News, a website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world -- at times all too closely mirroring our own.

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  • fatfuck

    the onion is better, jeff boldt is a tool

  • jeff boldt


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