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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Recent Study: Mayo Linked to Satan

Aug 072013
 By , August 7, 2013

Mayo is smooth, like the devil

Conclusive data, uncovered in a new and impartial study conducted by the highly professional food scientists here at the Good Foods Research Center in Shanghai, has shown that the popular condiment known to the world as ‘mayo’ does not come from your local grocer, but from the vats of Hades.

mayoSome of us have had our suspicions about the insidious white sludge for quite some time but have held our tongues, strictly in the interests of science.

Today, millions of consumers all around the world remain under the happy delusion that this fatty amalgamation of olive oil, egg yolk, and death is made in the loving factories of companies such as Kraft and Kewpie; and inadvertently overlook certain clues that, when taken as a whole, make the truth seem quite obvious.

The first and most obvious one of course is the popular brand name Hellmann’s.  Coincidence?  I think not.  I mean, they might as well have called it 666mann’s or AntiChristmann’s.

The second, and nearly as compelling piece of evidence is, of course, the taste.  We would like to take a moment of silence to honor all of the taste buds that have died as a result of being exposed to this highly disagreeable substance.

The rest of the data, along with notes, will be published in a very reputable scientific journal in the coming weeks.  We urge you to examine the case with an open and objective mind and allow the facts–not nostalgic memories of grandma’s sandwiches and doctored casseroles–to guide and influence your conclusions.

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Jeff Boldt is an English teacher living in China and the writer and editor of Iron E-News, a website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world -- at times all too closely mirroring our own.

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