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Argus Hamilton Comments on the News: Miley Cyrus and Much More!

Sep 212013
 By , September 21, 2013

Miley Cyrus, George Clooney, Obamacare and much more

Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth reportedly broke up Monday due to her raunchy MTV Awards performance. One thing is evident. Between Miley Cyrus, Robin Thicke, Kim Jung Un and Bashar al Assad, it’s been a really bad month for nepotism.

George Clooney arrived at the Venice Film Festival to show his new movie Gravity to international film critics. He told reporters he’s had sex with far too many women to ever run for public office in America. He was immediately made the Prime Minister of Italy.

The British Medical Journal endorsed the health benefits inherent in a person doing charitable work Tuesday. The study said volunteering can reduce the risk of heart problems. That’d be great news if it didn’t also reduce the risk of having fun on Saturdays.

The London Mail says people in Ireland are being attacked on the streets by a clown who sprays them in the face with seltzer. Victims say the attacker has pale skin, a red nose and he carries a bottle. In Ireland that narrows down the list of suspects to everybody.

The Los Angeles Dodgers drew a record number of home sellouts to see the talented team of hitters and pitchers this year. Everyone says they want to win the World Series the Los Angeles way. That is terrific, but how do you sleep your way to the top in baseball?

Stanford geneticists published a study showing that human intelligence is declining and the collective mind of mankind is on a downward trajectory. It’s grave news for everybody. This means we’re seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.

President Obama’s approval ratings fell sharply in the latest polls Thursday. He has fallen ten points in three months. President Obama vowed to find out whose approval he has lost, track them down using their e-mail and phone records and then win them back.

President Obama ripped the GOP Congress for misrepresenting Health Care Reform to the American people to scare them. He insisted Obamacare does not include a death panel that will pull the plug on grandma. His plan calls for the much cleaner pillow option.

The Federal Reserve Bank announced it will continue buying eighty billion dollars a month of U.S. bonds to prop up the U.S. economy. The Treasury is printing money and loaning it to ourselves, and then injecting it into the economy to keep it from collapsing. ObamaCare hasn’t even started yet and already the government’s hogging all the morphine.

President Obama’s choice to head the Federal Reserve Larry Summers withdrew his name on Monday. He wouldn’t inspire a lot of confidence as the nation’s top banker. A routine background check found that he keeps his mattress stored in a safe deposit box.

Kim Kardashian dumped her family’s Beverly Hills publicist Monday and hired her own. She says the next wedding will be on a desert island with no cameras. That raises a question if a Kardashian does something and there are no cameras, did it really happen?

Brazil’s president Filna Roussef canceled a trip to Washington because the NSA spied on her from satellites. She started out as a Sixties radical who led labor strikes and robbed banks to raise money for local communist parties in South America. If the NSA doesn’t spy on her, we’ve got NASA if all we need are pretty pictures from outer space.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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