[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“What can we say? We’re looking for alternative and safer ways to make money.” – DC, Marvel villains
It pays to be a good guy.
On the heels of big time advertisement campaigns starring iconic superheroes like Spiderman, The Hulk, Superman, Iron Man, etc. the union officially representing the villains of DC and Marvel released the statement of the century yesterday.
“In the interests of our clients, the DCU, MU, and the world at large, we–the ones callously labeled as ‘bad guys’–would like to announce our complete resignation (in perpetuity) from any and all evil plots, plans, schemes, etc. that would (directly or indirectly) cause the harm and/or destruction of the planet, humans, and…well…yeah, we guess superheroes, too.”
This shocking announcement has left their respective universes reeling in disbelief and the response–from superheroes more than anyone–has been one of complete cynicism.
“Yeah right, is all I have to say,” responded Batman. “I can think of one guy who is having you all for a laugh: The Joker. HIS NAME IS JOKER! Come on! It’s not an expression with him when I say ‘he can’t be serious’; he actually can’t be serious.”
As we listened to the Dark Knight, we could see the wheels turning in Robin’s head…and then a light seemed to go on.
“Holy unholy holiness, Batman!” he shouted. “If the bad guys are becoming good, but it’s a false good because of bad motives, what kind of good is it?!”
“You are one strange bird, my friend,” the caped crusader said while shaking his bat head.
“Actually, Robin makes a valid point,” interjected Captain America. “They are toying with the very fabric of our moral universe and must be stopped from becoming good.”
“YOU ARROGANT, SELF-RIGHTEOUS PRIGS!!” screamed Scream as she leapt in fury toward the first avenger. “You all are in it for the money–what kind of goodness is that?!”
And with that, fists pounded, teeth and claws were bared, and weapons, tentacles, and other projectiles flew.
And all was right (and wrong) with the world again.
“Well, that lasted a full minute,” Iron Man said dryly to Cyclops as his solar ray blasted the enemy. “That’s gotta be some kind of record.”
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