[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Say appealing to the masses is undignified
A Humor Times special report
Faced with declining popularity in the polls and accused of turning their backs on moderate elements within their party, top Republicans say their motivations are pure and beyond reproach. “We’re not trying to win a popularity contest here, we’re standing up for principal,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-MN.
When asked if getting elected isn’t basically a popularity contest, Bachmann replied, “Most congress members should be impeached anyway. Newspapers should be investigating anti-American sentiment in Congress.”
Bachmann insists that contrary to her public image, she does have a heart, and that someone has
to help the downtrodden and unfairly prosecuted CEOs, because “We’re running out of rich
people in this country.” She accused Obama of only thinking of the “suddenly in vogue middle
class,” always touting his “elitist economic recovery act.”
“We know, for example, that the Republican National Congress resolution telling Democrats they should agree to rename themselves the ‘Democrat Socialist Party’would be seen as a sophomoric stunt and make us look all the more ridiculous, but we just don’t care anymore,” she said.
Other top Republicans agree that the party must stick to its principles. For example, they’re not likely to give up their hard-line stance on gay marriage. “Isn’t that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?” asked Sen. Rick Santorum, (R-PA).
Another unpopular practice they continue to defend is torture. “Torture is a despicable practice, and most Americans think so, but since we’re pure and not swayed by public opinion, we continue to send Lord Vader, er, I mean, Dick Cheney out there to defend it,” said Santorum. “Now that sure ain’t gonna win us no popularity contests, but just call us dreamers, I guess.”
Texas Gov. Rick Perry chimed in, adding, “Who needs a majority in the country anyway? We here in Texas are our own majority, and if we have to secede from the union to prove it, we will!”
Republican stalwart talking head Ann Coulter proclaimed that “Democrats are wimps and Republicans need to stay strong to save the country. I’m more of a man than any liberal.” Regarding Obama’s middle east foreign policy, which she called “traitorous,” her advice is to simplify. “Invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity,” she said.
[The links in this article go to the source for these actual quotes!]
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