[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

DeSantis: ‘War on Woke’ Misunderstood, ‘My War is on the Word Itself’

Florida Governor DeSantis says his so-called “War on Woke” is actually a war is on the word “woke,” not an ideology.

In a press conference today, Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida aimed to clear up misconceptions about his “War on Woke.”

War on Woke
Gov. DeSantis “woke” up in a mental health hospital.

“Everyone thinks it’s some liberal ideology I’m fighting,” he said. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. My war is on the word itself. ‘Woke,’ such an ugly, mean word!”

“Now don’t get me wrong,” DeSantis added, “I like it when people are asleep, not awake. It makes it much easier to pass draconian laws, and to disguise my new, soft fascism as just a folksy populism bent on enforcing good ol’ fundamentalist religious views.”

“But that word! Just look at the W, it’s an upside down M, for ‘mean,’ get it?! Followed by an O, which is just a tunnel down into the dark. Once you enter that tunnel, the door is slammed shut on you and you’re trapped in Wokeville.

“The door? It’s the K, of course! It’s got a handle, it’s got that flat part, c’mon, it’s a door!

“Then we come to the most evil letter of all, the E. E for ‘evil,’ right? It’s so obvious, why doesn’t anybody else get it?

“So, all of this is why I keep saying the word over and over again. My war is on the word ‘woke’ itself! I say we send it to a deserted island and nuke it!”

After the press conference, another door slammed on the governor. It was to a padded room in the Tallahassee Mental Health Center.

James Israel
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