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Sympathy Cards for Billionaires

Mar 202012
 By , March 20, 2012
Sympathy Cards for Billionaires

Everyone feels sorry for the 99 percent, but what about the poor billionaires?

By Janet Golden and Roz Warren

The lavish lifestyles of our nation’s beleaguered billionaires have been rocked by recent financial events: Why a few have even been reduced to mere millionaires!

Show the saddened billionaire in your life that you care by sending one of our new line of Sympathy Cards For Billionaires:

poor rich guy

Poor rich fellow.

Your Madoff money got clawed back
Your expert lawyer was a hack
The IRS still wants its share
And you don’t have a dime to spare.
My Sympathy.

The Buffett Tax is looming
The divorce payments booming
The real estate bubble has exploded
Your derivative investments have imploded.
My Sympathy.

Your banker friend in Switzerland
Squealed to the IRS
Your hidden stash of money
Has landed you in a mess.
My Sympathy.

Greece’s economy has gone under
Your drachma investment was a blunder.
You sank the rest in housing deals
And now you’re quite down at the heels.
My Sympathy.

All your investments have all gone bust
Especially that real estate investment trust
You’ve nothing left but bills and taxes
While lawyers attack with calls and faxes.
My Sympathy.

You signed on as the CEO
But profits plunged so you had to go
The buyout you got was a mere eight million
Now you’re the laughing stock of the cotillion.
My Sympathy.

Your staff kept your private jet neat as a pin.
You never even spoke the words “overhead bin.”
Now your jet is gone and when you fly
You take off your shoes like a regular guy.
My Sympathy.

You stirred your coffee with a silver spoon.
Your stock portfolio was over the moon!
Now the money’s gone. You’re eating spam.
You’re the Walmart greeter who calls me Ma’am.
My sympathy.

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Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.

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  • I love the way you fit in the word cotillion. Haven’t heard that one in a jillion.

  • NancyBeamiller


  • Terry

    You wonder how they can stand it. Poor little things

  • Genre1837