[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Doctors aren’t talking — will you help us solve the mystery of Cheney’s new heart?
News information services have informed us that former President-Of-Vice Dick Cheney has had a heart transplant, but its source remains a mystery.
The former Halliburton head man had to wait almost two years to get his new ticker because of the difficulty of finding a heart evil enough to even come close to replacing his original.
Doctors kept waiting for Vladimir Putin or Lukashenko, the leader of Belarus, who some say is the last dictator in Europe, or Kony, the African military leader who uses child soldiers in his rebel army, to keel over, but their dark hearts seem to be running longer than the Energizer bunny’s.
For the last few years Cheney has been using a heart pump that doctors installed in his chest to keep his heart going. Eerily, because of the heart pump, Cheney does not have a pulse, which somehow fits in well with his creepy persona (this is true). He has been relying upon a mechanism of modern technology to keep his body alive, thus giving him yet another uncanny resemblance to Darth Vader.
The heart came from a mysterious, unknown donor. Also, strangely, it was delivered by the same woodsman who the queen from the Snow White fairy tale ordered to murder Snow White and bring her heart back as evidence of the deed. The huntsman in that tale couldn’t do the dirty deed and instead killed a buck and brought its heart to the queen.
Now the world wonders where this heart came from. Could there be somewhere in Transylvania a poor vampire who got surprised in his coffin by daylight, and had his heart removed by something other than a wooden stake? Or was the heart ripped from an unknown and unsuspecting donor who is now roaming the Washington D.C. area zombie-like searching for his missing organ?
In related news, former President George W. Bush will be getting a brain transplant. It will be interesting to see if the new sheep dog cranium makes any changes in his personality.
There still remains the mystery of whose heart Cheney actually received. This magazine welcomes your theories as to the identity of the unknown donor. We know it wasn’t Hitler, because his body was never found. So, just whose heart was it?
If you have the answer to this disturbing question, please post it in the discussion section below. Thank you!
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