Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Hollywood superstar Tom Cruise.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. My mother refuses to talk to me. Today on the show my guest is Hollywood superstar Tom Cruise.
JERRY
Hello Tom.
TOM CRUISE
Just a minute. I’m going to cough. Maybe you’ll get the coronavirus.
JERRY
You’re a riot, Tommy. Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t want to share it with you.
JERRY
Think about it. Do you know why you do your own movie stunts?
TOM
I have lots of balls?
JERRY
No, Tommy boy. Death is the only way out of Scientology.
TOM
You’re wrong, Jerry. I can’t die. I’m from Galactic Confederacy.
JERRY
(sarcastic) And I’m from Mars.
TOM
We’re practically neighbors.
JERRY
You’re a big star. Films like Risky Business, Top Gun, Rain Man, Born on the Fourth of July, Jerry McGuire, Mission Impossible.
TOM
And my newest film Top Gun: Maverick. Grossed $150 million at the box office opening weekend. I’m unbelievable.
JERRY
Hold on there. You have lots of skeletons in the closet. Three failed marriages.
TOM
Their loss.
JERRY
Mimi Rogers divorced you, because you wanted to become a monk.
TOM
True. I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but never got the chants.
JERRY
Nicole Kidman said there were irreconcilable differences.
TOM
Yup. I’m a Scientologist and she is normal.
JERRY
Katie Holmes wanted to protect your daughter Suri from Scientology.
TOM
Katie was jealous, because I’m from outer space and she’s from Toledo.
JERRY
In 2004, you said in an interview, “I think psychiatry should be outlawed.” Actress Brooke Shields was angered by the comment and went public against you.
TOM
We’re talking Brooke Shields. Whining about postpartum depression. I suggest she visit a Scientologist, not psychiatrist. They’re out of this world.
JERRY
Hey, Tom. What does a Scientologist and an almond have in common?
TOM
No clue.
JERRY
They’re both nuts.
JERRY
Tell me about your life growing up.
TOM
There were five of us. My parents and two sisters. My dad was a bully and coward. Couldn’t stand the man. Mom left him and remarried.
JERRY
Is he still alive?
TOM
Happily the dude is 6 feet under. The good thing is because of my horrible life growing up, I got into acting.
The conversation is interrupted by Jerry’s mom Maggie calling in from heaven.
MAGGIE DUNCAN
Jerry. What do you mean it’s a good day because I refuse to talk to you? Aren’t you glad you didn’t have Tom’s parents?
MAGGIE DUNCAN
Hi Tom.
MAGGIE
Knock, knock.
TOM
Who’s there?
MAGGIE
Not your parents.
JERRY
Sorry, Tom. My mother was suspended from heaven for the day.
TOM
Nice chatting with you, Maggie.
JERRY
May the bird of paradise poop on your head. Both of your heads. Tom Cruise and my mother everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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